stagnant roller coaster

i'm still clueless on what step to take..

but so far things are just getting worse but partly looking up.. does that make me just go back to where i was?!

i kind of know what to do when things come. but i'm presented with new worries and woes. so, i'm not sure if there's improvement. maybe i'm just still in the same state but not exactly on the same spot.

i don't want to take the matters into my own hands anymore.. it just makes me expect more. expect the worst but don't expect.

i've gotten over the expecting the unexpected state. but it still makes me think. a lot actually.

i'll just go where my shoes take me.. hahaha!

laughter has always been the best facade for me. the smiles. behind this smile is everything you'll never understand.

my chest still hurts.. i'm not sure if that's because of my heart or my lungs.. ha! can't breathe.. or can't live.. ?!?

i'm just wishing that one day i'd be able to write here without these feelings.

happy or sad, i can't say..

still waiting for things to unfold on its own so that i would be able to know the next part of the story.

impatience has always been my weakness. i really hate to wait.. actually that's making me sick.

image source

oblivion

there are things you just want to forget.. but at the same time you can't stop but reminisce those moments and seconds..

i'm on a drinking streak and i don't want to break it.. i feel like i don't want to break it but i'm not sure if i'd be able to afford it since i still have final exams coming up. but as of this moment i don't. regardless of who i'm with or what i'm drinking as long as i do..

there are actions and words that you would want to take back but you know you can't..

there are reasons for these actions and words that you have within your grasp but don't really want to know and admit that this is why all of these are happenning.

i'm at fault. and i don't know what to do about it. i could always think of the right things to do, the things that are expected of me to do, and the things that i'm not exaclty sure of.. now i'm thinking, maybe i should not give it that much thought.

i'm waiting for things to happen, things that i'm almost a hundred percent certain that won't happen. but i'm here waiting. hoping against hope? i'm not sure.. expecting? not exactly. i don't know..

confusion may be the apt word for everything that's been going on, but there's this sense of certainty in every emotion, action and words that saying that they're out of confusion would be telling a lie..

it would be nice to have someone to talk these with. without the fear of misunderstanding. but right now, there's no such person.. well, not that i know of..

i don't know what to do, what to want, what to expect, what to feel, what?!

"easy to fall, hard to forget" one of my many ailments.. i'm wondering now, how would i be able to reach the state of oblivion and when..

how do you stop yourself from believing something even if you know it's not true? i mean why do i keep on believing things that i know is not true? and how do you stop from believing?

one day, i'd forget everything..

one day, i'd be able to know the answers to my questions..

one day, i'd know what to do..

one day, i'd forget everything..

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false hopes?!?

ok.. so what now? it didn't seem to me that anything has changed. i can't help but live up with my motto..

i'm again trying to fight back tears..

is it my fault again?

haaay..

i'm sorry

image source

now what?!?

i just can't help but live my motto... haay...
this would be the last straw... i just don't want to get overjoyed all over again..

haay...

image source

to cry or not to..

these passed few days i've been telling people that almost all the aspects of my life are in ruins.

it's much easier to breakdown and cry than put up an emotionless face that would be the norm.

it's much easier to cry but it's as if the tears are tears too painful to endure and to release.

i have been welling them up but not really pouring it out.

it's very hard to have no one to talk to.. no one to pour out your heart to.. but what i'm doing now is much more difficult.. letting it out only through the finger tips.

i want to go on and type away but i also want to stop, because it's already getting harder and harder to breathe..


image source

another one bites the dust

it was my birthday then..
then it was the day before..
then it was the first of october going to the second..
now, it's almost everyday..
this has got to stop..
though it's breaking my heart.

Bolunji
Velcro

Sana'y di mo na lang sinabi,
Hindi ko naman tinatanong
Na kailangan mo pang isipin
Ok lang naman sa akin yon.

Ako'y maghihintay na lamang sa iyo,
Basta't wag lang, lumampas ng isang linggo

Dahil di pa naman ita ganun kamahal.
Kakakilala ko lang sa iyo.
Malay ko ba kung sasaktan/gagamitin mo lang ako.

Di pa naman kita ganun kamahal
Galing lang ako sa hiwalayan/iyakan
Sayang naman kung di mo ko pagbibigyan/
Sobra naman pag masaktan muli ako.

Sana'y di mo na lang sinabi
Na meron ka nang pagtingin
Dahil di pa ko ready na buksan muli ang puso ko

Maghintay ka lang,
Nandito lang naman ako.

Konting panahon pa...
Para makapagisip ako...

Wag na nating labanan pa ang ating nadarama
Bahala na kung saan tayo mapunta

die for a second

i need to pause.. bend my head and take a deep breath... because if i lift my chin, everywhere i will look there will be something that will either break my heart, or make me cry or just simply crush me.

these are the times that i would always wish for a hand to hold.. a shoulder to lean on..

i have my friends, that's true.. they're good people and sometimes they're all that i need.

but there are certain instances in life that you would need someone to care for you more than that of the usual.

i never thought i'd be liking this song... but here goes!!


All The Love In The World
The Corrs

I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friend, I'm more than O.K.
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but it's not all they say
Still I believe (I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticize it
I have no hestitaion
My imagination just stole me away
(Still...) Still I believe
(I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

Love's for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah I'm only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) And i won't wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world
(Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...)


image source

crying in the rain...

Life Support
Hale

Sarcastic smiles and fake hellos
We try to hide but always
Leave an open door behind
To escape from reality

It felt so sure but we said no
We're throwing lies at someone
We don't know, we don't know
From this reality

Why can't we risk ourlives
For something that we can't deny
We try to run something
We don't know, we don't know
Is this reality

Why are you crying

I feel sorry

I feel so sorry
For me........

image source

music of my..

Bolunjie
Velcro

SANAY DI MO NALANG SINABI
HINDI KO NAMAN TINATANONG
Na kailangan mo pang isipin
Ok lang naman sa akin yon.

Ako'y maghihintay na lamang sa iyo,
Basta't wag lang, lumampas ng isang linggo

Chorus:

DAHIL DI PA NAMAN KITA GANUN KAMAHAL
KAKAKILALA KO LANG SA IYO
MALAY KO BA KUNG SASAKTAN/GAGAMITIN
MO LANG AKO
DI PA NAMAN KITA GANUN KA MAHAL, GALING
LANG AKO SA HIWALAYAN/IYAKAN
Sayang naman kung di mo ko pagbibigyan
(sobra naman pag masaktan muli ako)

Sana'y di mo na lang sinabi
Na meron ka nang pagtingin
Dahil di pa ko READY na buksan muli ang puso ko

Maghintay ka lang, nandito lang naman ako.
Konting panahon pa...para makapagisip ako..

[chorus]

Bridge:
Wag na nating labanan pa ang ating nadarama
BAHALA NA KUNG SAAN TAYO MAPUNTA

[chorus!!]

I Know

Yasmien Kurdi

I don't need to own a fancy car
To drive with you around the city
I don't need to live in a palace like house
A simple home is enough for me
I don't need much
Only your attention
I had to hope
To make me feel that I am not alone

I know
Is you my life is worth living
I know
Is you my life is gonna be just fine
I know
If you each day begins with a smile

I don't really have to worry
Somethings won't workout for me
I don't really have to bother
Just as long as you here with me
I don't need much
Only your affection
To see me through
To make me feel that I am not alone

I know
Together we can make our dreams come true
I know
But through the years we won't be growing old
I know
Counting stars won't be so hard to do

There will be your always time
At the end of the tumble shine
Our love for each other never fails
Baby I just know
(I know)
I know
(I know)
I know... wooahh..
I know
(I know)
I know
(I know)
wooahh...

I don't need much
Only your affection
To see me through
To make me feel that I am not alone

guess the movie

more movies

loved Dakota Fanning! She's got the most beutiful and expressive eyes!! and of couse, robert de niro is still as brilliant as ever! i never knew until they told...

i love johnny depp!! and the boy who played peter was good! the one who played michael was so sweet.. and kate winslet did a good job!!

believe?

Birth Data for Laarni:
Birth Date........... September 18, 1984
Birth Location..... Batangas, Philippines
Sun Sign............ Virgo

Mercury Square Uranus with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees

Brilliant and original as you are, you can also be difficult and unpredictable. Close ties may complain they never know when you are going to show up or what you're planning next. You are easily bored and love people who can both stimulate and surprise you.

Sun Square Neptune with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

Your father was either over- idealized or he was rejected as a role model. Either way, your concept of what a man should be is not based upon a mortal person, but upon an ideal. This may lead to unrealistic expectations in close personal relationships.

Mercury Trine Jupiter with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

You have a quality people trust and you are often sought after as a confidante or an advisor. You have high moral and ethical standards and it is imperative that anyone you're close to is a person of the highest integrity. You prefer well-educated people.

series of unfortuante events

image source

haay...

Can We Just Stop and Talk Awhile
Gary V. and Kyla

Fancy meeting you alone in the crowd
Couldn't help but notice your smile
While everybody else around us is going about
Can we just stop and talk awhile?

I've been often told our world's growing old
And that friends are harder to find
Do tell me more about yourself
We could share a thought or two
Now who would mind?

Maybe then we could go for a ride
Drive down to the countryside
Get away from the gray
And frenzied hurly-burly of the city life

Early yet to say what lies ahead
It's the first day of the rest of our lives
Can we just stop and talk awhile
Get to know each other
Who are we to know?
Love could be waiting at the end
'Round that bend and so
Let's stop and talk awhile

Can we just stop and talk awhile
Get to know each other
Who are we to know?
Love could be waiting at the end
'Round that bend and so
Let's stop and talk awhile
Let's stop and talk awhile
Let's stop and talk awhile
Let's stop and talk awhile

haay.. expect the worst but don't expect na naman ang drama ng lola mo!

i'll be going back to school.. kinda excited but then again, cold water is being thrown to me everytime i see a batch mate.. haay.. ok lang..

see you in real life.. i've been there and it's no utopia!

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UP Fair

UP Fair

19 February 2005

I know it has been a week and i may not be that accurate but then again it had been a long time since i had the urge of writing about something. So, here.

As the years of my life taught me, February 14th will always be a day not to be really happy about. But until now i'm still not sure if this year was the same. In a way, well, in many ways, yes. It would be shameful for someone as pessimistic as I am to just have one way of making things look bad.. hah!

So, there. My brother texted me and told me that PnE would be playing for tonight's (feb14) UP Fair. I got so excited and told him to confirm. He then said it's true! So, there, I asked my mom permission and there, off to Diliman!

As usual I was late and so was my brother. As expected there were a lot of bands, some were even cool and PnE was the last. Not being a fan, my brother got sleepy and tired and bored while I was still giddy and excited. Of course, PnE played last. They played four songs, the crowd was wild, Vinci was not there, Jay was there and was so brilliant. The band played Ted Hannah while the crowd sings and no Chito to be found. Then when he came out, he has a tattoo or was that just henna (heheheh) on his right arm. It was cool! Although, I didnt really see the details. They played Harana, then Jay came out for Okatokat, then because Vinci was not around Jay played his (Vinci) part for The Yes Yes Show and was so brilliant! Then the crowd requested for one more song, they played Buloy.

So, there. My instincts told me to go to the back stage. I practically dragged my brother there because he really wants to go home already but his desire of making me happy won. So, we went to the back stage. And the stroke of luck, Chito and Kaye were just going out. I said hi, he acknowledged and said goodbye. I had to call Kaye, she smiled and acknowledged as well. I was reaching for the pentel pen in my bag and ask for an autograph but his saying goodbye, virtually kicked me out. So, we left.

Heart broken?!? In a way yes. In many ways, YES! I dont really love him, it would be cool to be his mistress though. Heheheh! But he broke my heart that night. Although I never really asked for anything and he didnt really say no. But not stopping and automatically saying good bye was like saying get lost, I'm tired that's why I layed off. It's a good thing I didnt bring my CDs or it would be more hurtful. There were a lot of things I failed to say and do because of being hurt. I was supposed to ask if any parokyano came, ask him to approve my friend request in friendster, look at his tattoo, and meet the other members of the band. But like i've said, after the rejetion, we left. I've thought if kiki was there with me maybe it would be different.

Haaay.. until now there's this crunching in my heart.

But good things happened after. The next day we get to watch The Phantom of the Opera. And it was superb!! I'm just wondering why it didn't make it to the Oscars. Maybe they're tired of musicals winning. But it was really a great movie. And again, it made me cry.

We bought VCDs too. Big Daddy and Autumn in New York. I never stopped watching Big Daddy and I didnt cry watching Autumn in New York.

Then, Noel brought a copy of My Sassy Girl... and waaaahhh!! I died crying.

I guess, I would have to conclude that yes, it was a typical valentine for barn... devastation.

the godfather

i had a godfather marathon this weekend..

enlightenning!!

heheheh!

image source

haaay.. yuki!

You're Yuki - the mouse.

Which Fruits Basket Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

soo cute!

it has been quite sometime since i took a quizzilla so here..

Your so cute anyone would think your cute. Even the
grown ups:) Probaly any boy would run up to you
with flowers and cute stuffed animals like
you;) Just look at you. Your adorable:)

What Type Of Girl Are You???(Amazing Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

jazz chant

we were assigned to create a jazz chant..
inspired by..

Don't Touch My Birdie
Parokya ni Edgar

Kapag ako'y nababato
Pinaglalaruan ko ang birdie ko
Ang cute-cute naman kasi
Kaya ko siya binili
My birdie is my best friend
Ang dami naming maliligayang sandali
Madalas ko siyang pinapakain ng birdseed
Mahal kita o birdie ko, 'wag kang lalayo
Don't touch my birdie!
Resist temptation please!
You don't have to grab my birdie
Just call it, and it will come!
Ang birdie ko ay nakakatuwa
Parang cobra na mahilig mantuka
Kapag nilabas na sa kulungan
Tuluy-tuloy na ang aming kasiyahan
'Di naman ako madamot talaga
Ayaw ko lang na hinahawakan siya ng iba!
Ang birdie ko ay medyo masungit
Konting hawak lang siguradong magagalit!
Huwag ka sanang magalit sa akin
Tuwing ang birdie ko ay aking hihimasin
Sana'y maunawaan mo
Mahal na mahal ko ang birdie ko
pati mga itlog nito!



so, here's our jazz chant..


We have a pet
He is a bird
We love to call him birdie, birdie, birdie
We love to touch our birdie, birdie, birdie
And another pet
She is a cat
We love to call her pussy, pussy, pussy
We love to feed our pussy, pussy, pussy
And then one day when we woke up
We saw our birdy dead
Pussy ate birdy
poor birdy, poor birdy

winner!

from beng...

much again has happened and though a little late and a few understandable typo errors, beng have this very refreshing theory.

Thanks, beng! aylabsyah!

ANOTHER OF BHENGS THEORY (sfx :mad laughter pls and thunder!!)
Message: we all think and accepted the fact that people
make mistakes,,, and before i used to tell my
self that in order to survive the dangerous and
mossy jungle of human relationship, one must
learn to admit that sometimes we are the
mistakes that people who became dear to us
commit.and it takes gutts to admit that in you
hangs a placard that tells the whole world that
hey world!! i am his/her mistake!!! crucify me!!

but now i defy that former theory of mine,,,
this time i came to realize that we actually do
not commit mistakes.. the term mistake and if i
may suggest thenn i consider it politically
wrong... hehehe... kidding aside... we dont make
mistakes,,, we make choices... again i say not
mistakes... the term mistake is determined
whether by set of standards rules and anwer
keys,,, but come to think of it.. in life there
are no definite standards on how to one is
supposed to be running his/her life. wat hurts
us and what makes us sad or makes us feel
uncomfortable and anything in between makes us
think that its because of that mistake,,. but
no... its called consequences, end result end
product that one must have to face. why? because
its a choice that you made maybe alone or with
another... but never a mistake... its a choice.

so why burden yourself thinking about mistakes
that would eventually eat you and consume you?
and why did we ever thought of that?? hehehhe
anyone whose braincells and neurons agree with me
or anyone was led astray by this feel free to
send me a message or post something that would
either atest or defy this. warning..this just one
of my few and occassional theories.. and lets all
be guiged,, ladies and gentlemen... that theories
reamin to be true until proven wrong... ciao!!!

from Ms. Dannie-Bie D. Beltran