the buttherfly effect

It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

[In the reality where Kaleigh's with Lenny]
Evan: Do you ever think what would happen if you were with me?
Kaleigh: Yeah
Evan: And...?
Kaleigh: I'm with Lenny, and you're his friend, and that's where it ends.

watched it 1am this morning.. good thing i have a blog to go back to.. heheheheh!

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workaholic

waah! i haven't got a decent sleep yet!
i'm literally not feeling well. i just want to get some good sleep. but my shift is just starting and there are a lot of things to do tonight. my head is throbbing.

haay.. these are the times when i'm longing for someone to take care of me.

i'm dead tired that i can't even make my small muscles to form a smile. i hate the feeling. and the fact that there's no reason for me to smile or there's no one there trying to make me do so. no one misses my smile.. haay..

fabulous and divine?!? baah!

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got the message

for someone who always has shit happenning, i sure am hard headed.

ok, so i thought for a change all would be good and well. but then again, as usual there would be something to grrr... about.

let's start with the yeah right part/s of my day..

i had to stay for two more hours to finish a task. but that was fine since i was practically asleep the whole morning. but i was thinking about the activity i have set for the rest of the day that i know by the end of the day i would be dead tired. but that's okay.

so, there, i pretty much had a nice sleep although not perfectly comfortable since i was still in my working clothes and i was lying in a bunch of pillows (which at certain arrangements i would love), well, it was again nice. until of course after the alarm went on.

i had to do something for inay to make her come tonight, which was a success!

so, here start the good things. i have a peaceful hair day. and the puke family day managed to push through. having all of my family members present would be sooo imposible so having only two casualties is a very much great achievement.

for a change we had coffee instead of the usual cases of red horse in the table. more bonding and chika ever..

with just that simple thing, even though we weren't able to have our pictures since our beloved inay is again late, kanino pa ba naman ako magmamana? back to what i was saying, with just that simple thing i was ok. i did have fun and whatever headache and/or fatigue i'm experiencing now is okay.

and the spoiler came. my again shot back to reality that there's no such day in my life that everything would be alright. waaah! for some fucking reason i can't seem to pull up the yahoo mail site. waaah! any site won't open. and the ftp for my pic is there in my yahoo briefcase. the reason why the pics on my right are not available. it's just a very irritating thing. i can't seem to figure out what else to do. i no longer want to think because my head is really hurting already and my tummy is starting to go against me.

okay, so technically this is a new day but then again what the heck! i still haven't got my sleep yet so in my time, it's still the same day.. wait, if i would go on like this i would have just one day for about 36 - 48 hours!! heheheh!

hah! i wish i could have a copy of the pictures we took with the family, the one with the car/van whatever that is, and the one in front of seattle's. and i'll post it here for sure!

waaah! i still can't help but think about what's happenning with my yahoo connection.. bad trip! an hour and thirty to go before our lunch break but people here are not yet hungry.. i think i'll get some shut eye.. i hope.. heheheh!

looking for an answer

one of the pointless things to do.. look for answers to questions you know you can't find. we will never know why these questions are always asked and some times it's funny how people look when they desperately try to answer those questions.

some questions would take time before the answers would come. but the next question would be when? lucky for those people who knows exactly when the answer would come it's just that they can't wait for it to come.

i'm a very impatient person and i hate setting deadlines for myself, because i barely meet them. well, maybe during the passed summer i was able to meet one, technically. i also don't know when to call it quits. sometimes i would have to make deadlines for this as well, that i will stop doing this until after a certain period of time. it took me almost six months for one. but i was able to do one like i promised, a week. now i again would have to wait and see.. i really hate waiting.

it's bittersweet torture for me to think of what the answer would be. again putting that expect the worst but don't expect principle would have to give you an answer for almost everything, unless of course you would focus on the don't expect part because that would be a totally optimistic thing.

i know i'm not 100% pessimist but i know my optimism is fairly low for someone my age and for someone this jolly looking.

i have this friend who told me that when he's not feeling right he would listen to this song.. (although he told me it was "smile" by eraserheads and when i thought about it, isn't that "with a smile"?!? hehhehe! i was right.. but i didn't bother to correct him.. hehhehe!)

With A Smile

Eraserheads

lift yer head
baby don't be scared
of the things that could go wrong
along the way
you'll get by with a smile
u can't win at everything but u can try
and baby u don't have to worry
coz there ain't no need to hurry
no one ever said that there's no easy way
and when they're closing all their doors
and they don't want u anymore
this sounds funny but i'll say it anyway
girl i'll stay
through the bad times
even if i have to fetch u everyday
i'll get by if u smile
u can never be too happy in this life
coz in a world where everybody hates
a happy ending story
it's a wonder love can make the world go round
but don't let it bring u down
and turn ur face into a frown
u'll get along with a little prayer and a song
lift yer head
baby don't be scared
of the things that could go wrong along the way
we'll get by with a smile
now it's time to kiss away
those tears goodbye

i'm getting sleepy again.. maybe i'll eat my baked spaghetti already.. hmmph!
about seven more hours to go.. haaay...

FABULOUS! DIVINE!

loneliness

You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike

angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.

the smile can conceal what's deep inside. but the eyes could never hide. the thing is, i haven't really found anyone who could read mine. all can see the smiles and they think the eyes go with it. i know i can conceal what i feel deep inside but not to those who i can be myself with. but that would be before i've learned that they don't really understand.

at first i thought explanations are not really necessary with the people you care for and cares for you. then the realization that you are different entities that have different points of view and beliefs and the interpretations for your actions would be different from one person to the other.

i hate explaining myself. because i sometimes can't find the words to really paint the picture of what i feel inside.

most interpret this as being lonely or sad. some say it's the bitterness and anger that leaks. but i'm still wondering why can't this just be me. something that can't be defined by words because the whole sense of the word doesn't really apply.

i'm not sad now, nor am i angry. i'm tired, physically.. i need to get some rest. isang stick lang ng yosi ang katapat neto. heheheh..

the echos of the laughter that will always be in their ears will always remind them of the complicated person that i am.

there are people who's heart i can understand and there are also those who can sometimes understand mine. but these will just be moments.. nothing enduring. nothing forever. because after that special moment that you both understood each others hearts your guard will be down because you thought that person will always understand you until a special realization, a shot back to reality that what what you understood before is just for that moment. something you should treasure in memory but not something to hold on to for existence, because that rope is not long enough, not strong enough.

still feeling FABULOUS and DIVINE.. for i still can smile and though certain circumstances separates me from the things and people that make me smile sincerely, i know one day we will again have our "moments" and laugh our heads off until our sides hurt.

optimism

TILA
Lani Misalucha

Tila inulan ang puso ko
Nang nalamig ang 'yong pagsuyo
O bakit nagbago ang 'yong pagtingin
Parang malamig na panahon

At nang ikaw ay kinausap ko
Habang ang ulan ay bumubuhos
Nakita ko sayong mga mata
Na gaganda din ang panahon

Chorus
Tila hihina rin ang ulan
Tila lilipas din ang bagyo
Kahit madilim ang kalawakan may nagtatagon
Sinag sa ulap

Tila inulan ang puso ko
Nang parang naglaho ang pagibig mo
O bakit ka kaya nagbago
Sinlamig ng panahon

Chorus
Tila hihina rin ang ulan
Tila lilipas din ang bagyo
Liliwanag din ang kalangitan
At ang araw ay sisikat nang muli

Bridge
Ang karimlan ay haharapin
Matatanaw ko rin
Bughaw na langit
Umaasang ang pagibig mo ay magbabalik
Pawiin mo ang lungkot sa puso ko
Kahit madilim ang kalawakan
May nagtatagong sinag sa ulap

Chorus
Tila hihina rin ang ulan
Tila lilipas din ang bagyo
Liliwanag din ang kalangitan
At ang araw ay sisikat nang muli


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rurippe

this afternoon i finished the whole 24th episode of "The Gatekeepers". i wasn't expecting i will like it that much.. but there, i fell in love with it, just a few minutes before the first episode ended. it was so cute..

this was the picture my blockmate gave me. according to him, this picture looks a lot like me.. heheh..
i wasn't expecting i would like the whole story..

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black hole

A region of spacetime, surrounding an extremely dense concentration of matter, in which the gravitational force is so strong that matter and energy cannot escape from it.

there are reasons why these things happen.. we may never understand but they are all in this world for a reason..

i'm calm now. there's no reason to panic anyway. it's just that when we know there is something we can't escape from comes our way we can't help but be perturbed.

now that my standards are no longer that high when it comes to some aspect what i can see that can be terriffying is that the demand of comprehension is very risky.

i just don't want to further expound my every word or things i'm trying to get accross because i no longer expect the masses to understand the things i'm trying to say, so why bother.

i'm not sure how many times and instances that this may have occured because everything is all too familiar that i'm not really sure how this knowledge that experience bought will be able to handle my reactions amd counter actions, i most likely know what the end will always be.. total wreck.

i'm not comfortable with the thought that i'm again crossing the danger zone. it's just that no matter how hard i try i can't just go on with this journey without coming across with one. maybe it's part of life. it's just i do pass them but the agony i've gone through with every single step. i've grown tired in playing this old game. in throwing the dice in the abyss. and retrieving it in the way.

i may never be the heroine in this saga but what can i do? i can't just stand here and watch the world go by. i always try. and i know it's much easier to go out of bounds.

idée fixe

idée fixe
idée fixe
idée fixe

i'll be fooling myself if i won't admit this fixation. i'll be fooling myself. i'm sorry, but i'm still human and some things are really hard to comprehend and more difficult to unravel. once again, i'm doomed. i guess i'm okay but not entirely. i mean i stil wil survive this yet another damnation but after all the things that i've gone through i don't think it would even need one good cry.

i still can't get myself to write things in detail because of this imagination that someone is actually reading every entry. i hate mind games. i hate things that i don't know while others do, well, just things concerning me of course. i really hate mind games and the agony it brings me every step of the way.

and it's actually happenning right now. it wasn't the same a while ago.. but there.. it's happening.

i hate you! i hate you! i hate you!

screw assumptions and here-says!

again it placed me in a position i don't like. i hate having the
pressure of asking yourself if you'd have to react or not. it's a
debate on whether you're just making things clear or making
things worse.

waah!

i like this soo much..

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

happy!

Happy
Square Heads

One day, you came to me
Freed me from misery
I touched the music in you
You started to feel so happy
Makes me jump up and down
You know my heart gets...
Each time that meet
I´m just so happy I met you
Happy
I am feeling so happy
I´m gonna go happy
You make me so happy
Can´t you see I´m happy now

Oneday, you said to me
Happy is where I wanna be
One plus one makes it two
That equals me and you
Each time we make love
Until the day I met you
All of my dreams came true
I am so happy I met you

Happy
I´m feeling so happy
I´m gonna go happy
I´m gonna be happy
Can´t you see I´m happy now

I-KNOW-I-WAN-T-TO-BE-HA-PPY-ONE-DAY-WI-TH-YOU-NOW-I-WAN-T-TO-BE-HA-PPY-WI-TH-YOU-MY-BA-BY---
MY-BABY---MY-BABY-MY-BABY-MY-BABY-MY-BABY

Happy
I´m gonna be happy
I´m gonna be happy
Can´t you see I´m happy now

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surreal

i just like the word.. hehehe

characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions; "a great concourse of phantasmagoric shadows"--J.C.Powys; "the incongruous imagery in surreal art and literature"
www.cogsci.princeton.edu/cgi-bin/webwn

resembling a dream; "night invested the lake with a dreamlike quality"; "as irrational and surreal as a dream"
www.cogsci.princeton.edu/cgi-bin/webwn

from google..

things are actually looking up.. not that there are any major things that happened, come to think of it it's maybe because of the major things that didn't happen, the small things that did and the same-old same-old stuff..

i can't really point out why and how but i'm fine. i'm okay. no it's nothing to be scared about since this won't be normal.. but it sure looks like it.

is it because i tickled my "miracle" again? or maybe because i no longer put much attention to it.. well, it's really insignificant and that the shot back to reality really did the trick. it's just sooo nice.. sweet..

i don't know how to keep this up but i'm having this gutt feeling that it will.. strange on my part, but maybe this just adds to how strange i am.. heheheh!

i enrolled myself in hogwarts, again, because i already forgot what nick and everything else that i used the last time.. of course again i'm in gryffindor and my wand is unicorn hair, mahogany, 8 inches.. sweet! hehehe!

Shrek 2 is already showing.. and i'm still waiting for Harry Potter 3.. i won't be able to go to the movies until june comes.. no definite reason, i just want to be plugged out of the matrix for the time being.. heheheh

salvation

and it comes and goes... sometimes i'm really hard headed.. wel, most of the time actually..

"expect the worse but don't expect..." the golden rule of my life.. but like anyother rules, breaking it is just very tempting. i know i would have to spill out my excuses but no, there's supposed to be no excuse for this one since it has all happened many times before, in all imaginable shapes and sizes.

it's just sometimes you just can't help but wish at the back of your head that your life is also capable of having something to really be happy about... sometimes you just can;t help but expect specially when all things seem to go well..

don't get me wrong. actually i'm fine. i'm even glad because again, "the fortune teller's right". another shot back to reality.. a wake up call.. sometimes i just need someone and/or something to shout in my ear, "HEY BARN!"

thanks!

it's getting worse

waah! i'm talking to myself again.. and woooh! i just hate this feeling.. this feeling i have whenever good things happen.. weird huh? but then again... waaah!!

actually, the miracle is getting big.. it's getting too good to be true.. and things might go to a very awkward turn that it will be soo good and i'll be soo hooked that it will be soo painful to see. waaah!

it was fine when it got lost. i was already in the sense that i won't be able to find it again.. but here it goes again!! i need a dose of my favorite song...


...So I guess the fortune teller's right

Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light

To crawl beneath my veins and now

...I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late, I'm already torn

solitary rose...

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone. "When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face." The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love. As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizi

how appropriate... hmmph! but i'm still glad that's the result.. atleast i still know who i am.. right?

just a thought

¤§Morning Rush§¤
with Chico and Delamar

Monday: The Top 10 signs that your life sucks

1st batch: my mother died on her way to get me a birthday gift
2nd batch: if you love yourself but you don't love you back
3rd batch: if you're pushing 50 and you steal your friend's wife who has 4 kids from 3 different men and you're stuck with the honor of sending them all to school

Chico: if you willingly let go of something and you realize later on that that was the best thing that happened to you
Delamar: if you have to go through life scared; if you really want to drive at acertain speed but your car won't let you
¤§barn§¤: if my state of being won't change from the moment i woke till i go back to bed

Tuesday: The Top 10 signs that your life is beautiful

1st batch: life is beautiful because I'm alive
2nd batch: nagising ka at di mo na mahal ang ex mong iniwan ka para sa iba
3rd batch: if you take off your rose-colored glasses & you still like what you see

C: good things come even late in the game; you rediscover your own country
D: if you really have good friends around you; you challenge your fear and your fear loses
¤§barn§¤: if i can still smile and at least one person would smile back

Wednesday: The Top 10 yucky pet names or terms of endearment

1st batch: (For Chico) Chiconut; (For Del) White Meat (For Brad) Twin Popsies/Pop Squid; Arff Arff & Meow Meow
2nd batch: chumama & chudaddy
3rd batch: my Tita used to call my Tito typhoon because he's mahangin and my Tito calls her Earthquake because... you know why

C: baby whale & honey bunchie munchie; schlampe
D: schnully (a word that's derived from schnuller which means pacifier in German); LOML (Love of my life)
¤§barn§¤: kukurikafu -know what that means?!? hehehe! wait, i don't think this counts since i don't really know anyone using this one.. hmmm.. "baby" got tired of it and i think it's too cheezy.. heheheh! peace! no hard feelings.. no intention of hurting anyone.. heheh!

i don't really like the topics from thursday - friday... hmmpf!

woohoo!

pojso wasn't able to go to the states after all.. unfortunately because of the blabber mouthed encia.

i then watched 40 days and 40 nights then frank and i decided to just spend the night at his place.

then, i finished season three of QAF! it was so nice.. the season ender was so nice.. although there are still questions left unanswered but still having a street party in the end was peacful enough for me.. heheheh!

my fingers were kind of aching already because it was missing the pressure from the guitar strings. it's just that frank doesn't have any guitar... haay...

then, my mom was calling... she told me, ms. patty called her and that i would have to report the next day at the office. woohoo! do you know what that means? that means, i got the job! wooohoo! heheheh! so, i just decided to stay there until the next day so that it will be just on my way back home.

i also decided to give frank a hand on the numerous plates he has to pass the next day.. so, i helped him. although it was just tracing some stuff, it just made me realize again why i didn't take this course and why i didn't consider it in the first place... haay! my back was aching.. my neck was strained and since i'm sitting on the floor, my knees were numb! waah! i will never be an architecht!

and then, i saw that his harry potter book, book 4 was already returned.. so i borrowed it and read a few chapters before turning in...

then there.. i slept until about 11 before i went to this office for the contract signing.. it may not be what i expected but it sure is a lot better and sensible.. heheh!

i'll be going back to bulacan tomorrow and i'll be missing a few entries.. i just wish there will still be people hugging me.. heheheh!

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i hate you!!!

waaah! i hate you..

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick --
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you --
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

i hate you!! waaah!

quoted from the movie, 10 Things I Hate About You

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bittersweet

Another Suitcase in Another Hall
by Madonna
from EVITA

[Eva:]
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn't you?

[Chorus:]

[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Another suitcase in another hall
[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Take your picture off another wall
[Eva:] Where am I going to?
[Che:] You'll get by, you always have before
[Eva:] Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

[chorus]

Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation here and now.

[chorus, with Che's lines being sung by the starlets]

[Huevo:]
Don't ask anymore.

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missed me?

shucks! i wasn't able to make an entry yesterday. although there were two attempts already. well, i'm sort of confused about times and dates so forgive me, it's one of the disadvantages of working in a call center and having very poor sleeping habits.

i'm not used to naming names when i'm writing in my journals. but this one would create a lot of confusion.. so, i'll just give them code names..

actually, i'm on my way out before i posted, it's just that it was already late and i don't think i'll be able to post when i come back. so, even though it was not technically a post, just to say i have an entry for the day i copied the song, it's just that i haven't heard it for the long while now, that's why.

earlier that day, shua was trying to contact me and was asking me to join them together with some beers. but i wasn't in the mood to so i made excuses. first, it was that he was asking me to go a long way since i'm in cainta and they want to have fun in malate. it's too far for me. so, i told them to go to eastwood instead, which was nearer. but too far for them of course, so for us to meet half way i just asked them if they want to go to makati. then they agreed, but the laziness took the best of me so i told them that i don't have the money to go. i don't know what's with me or them but there, rinksy called me and told me that shua would just treat me.. hehehe! so there after posting i went to greenbelt.

the movie ended up to 2, we watched van helsing.. it was okay it's just that i wasn't able to handle some scenes. i dunno it's just that it frightened me so much that i was already saying, "ayoko na!" the trailer wasn't that good so i didn't expect anything. so there, i ended up holding the hand of shua, well, both of us were already freezing and he really likes holding hands. anyway, there, aside from that i was already cursing under my breath. no screams.. well, there was one time, but not really.. hehehe!

then, we had coffee at seattles' because it was really cold. it was raining cats and dogs. so we stayed there for another two hours. then we planned to stay at lotta's place in mandaluyong to have a drink. so, we went there. but he also came from another drinking session and it appears he already fell asleep because we were calling him but he wasn't answering his phone. maybe he fell asleep waiting for us. it's a good thing rinka texted me and told me that pojso, our friend who has a condo in shaw tower will be leaving for the states on wednesday so there, and i will tremendously miss that guy! that's why when we were on our way to lotta's place i was like giving them a sign that i won't be staying that long there because i'll be going to shaw tower. so, it turned out, the ube in lotta's place didn't push through since he wasn't answering the phone, so i went straight to the condo. i didn't hit the sack right away, besides i'm not really that sleepy and another we had a gabfest as to why the sudden trip to the US.we were up until 8 in the morning but we already had breakfast in the nearby fastfood store. then i woke up at about 12 in the afternoon and watched "she's all that" and "evita" then i headed back in greenpark at about 5, then i had dinner. then gabfest again with my cousin. we planned to go out but she was in the phone and i can't wait any longer i fell asleep! then i woke up at about 10 and went back in front of the pc and wrote a letter to another friend through friendster. it was already late to make another post, that's why i wasn't able to make a post early this morning. it's only 9pm so i can still make it to this day... which was filled with.. what can i say?

when i woke up, i had breakfast then, after a short while i had lunch. then, played some guitar.. yahoo! i can already do the "bar"! yipee! i was able to play some songs.. well, lot of practice is needed of course.. but i've been trying to play that instrument since i was 11.. hehehe! 10 years in the making.. but still i'm glad.. something i'll be doing to kill some time. it's just nice to know that i can already play, "when you say nothing at all". although it's with very easy chords.. but still!

then, i fell asleep.. and now. i'm online again.. i'll be fat again in no time!

ooh.. i remembered, it was mother's day yesterday.. so, belated happy mother's day to all moms and to these special few...

my mom, of course.. i love you mom and miss you soo much!

and the mom's of my friends and special people in my life.. thanks for bringing to life the people that i hold dear in my heart, happy mother's day!! mmwah!

flowers for you...

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