can things get worse

pissed off! so pissed off! as usual i dnt want 2
expound on this or get into details. i just want 2
move forward 2 what wil b d outcome of things. what
wil happen next. i hate this feeling of anticipating
the worst nd being positive 2 b able 2 survive.
cynical. haay! why do these things always happen 2 me?
as far as im concernd i things were never bad thing
then good thing, it was always bad thing then worse
then a little lighter then bad and waah! i just cant
take this. i would always have this hard stomach, this
hard pounding in my chest, and it seems im always out
of breath. my head hurts but not pounding nd im not
sure f this is bcoz of this so much anger or jst bcoz
i havnt got any sleep yet. grrr! the heavy traffic is
killing me, i jst hope frank wont get in my nerves. i
dnt know how 2 release this i dnt know how 2 really
let this out. i dnt want 2 cry nd i dnt want 2 burst
in a fitting rage! i dnt want 2 tel d story again nd
again i know it would just irit8 me! waaah! i dnt want
2 wish things 2 b ok bcoz things would just get worse!
im cursed, damned, jinxed! haay! i dnt want 2 go on
lyk this. i just want 2 stop. stop!

sent via sms

image source

phantasmagorical

i know i have given myself so much standards in finding the one and yet still being able to fall in love and in the process breaking those standards..

since i have my fair share of escapades, here i am again giving myself a list of things i would need..

• someone who would be able to adopt my busy life. my job and eventually going back to school and still keeping the job.


• accepts that i smoke


• someone who would want to see me everyday and still accepts that there are times that he can't


• remember dates even if i don't


• not into PDA but still can be sweet


• can either write or sing


• has brains and wheels


• enjoys the company of my friends instead of being jealous (kampai and frank)


• can handle my high maintenance emotional well being


• has great timing abilities


• knows how to take care of me...

so, there.. haaay...

image source

surreal

i can't help watching romantic comedy flicks. i don't know where this started.. oh, i do! the first time was I was "While You Were Sleeping". I watched it with Beng at her place.. and there.. the rest is history...

so, even if it would cost me extra Php 120, I still went through watching "A Cinderella Story". Aside from this slight fascination with Hillary Duff, I just can't accept the feeling I will have if I will miss this movie. Again, a love story that would not happen to me..

I know no one knows about my latest escapade, as in no one. Maybe I have this gutt feeling that no one understands me right now.

Then there's this movie I thought I would never watch.. but then again, I just found myself in the theater waiting for this movie to start. Another love story that just brought tears in my eyes, when was the last time one didn't?!? hahahah!

so, there..

image source

five stars

ate ning, bubu and I watched Garfield the Movie last Sunday.. it was one of those "feel good" films that I seldom appreciate. Well, I do appreciate them, but only after I watch them, there would be no zeal in going in the movie house watching this type of film, well, not as much as I would when I'm going to watch a heavy movie or a horror film or a romantic comedy film.

i have loved watching films, whether in theaters or in tv screens.

but now, i have a thirst for watching theater plays. woohoo! this thirst was quenched last week when my brother and I watched Dulaang UP's production of Tatarin. Asteeg! I could just dream of being in such production. waaaahh! There I've said it and with it comes the curse of it never ever coming true. I guess I'll forever be among the people who claps, and not one of those who bows. Well, at least in not in a super duper play. Because I have, of course, had my share of very few productions.

I miss the stage.

image source

image source

missing stuff

The emotional anguish I feel is almost a physical pain.

I haven't been properly blogging for quite some time now and I also promised to give this site an overhaul but failed to do it.. busy? maybe? but then again being busy has always been my excuse for a lot of things and as I recently formulated, you can just call yourself busy once you no longer have tie for sleep but as long as you can give yourself some shut eye, you're not busy, so what's my excuse? acedia?

If you love a song, love it enough for it to accompany you throughout the different stages of your life, then any specific memory is rubbed away by use.

My previous entries were just lyrics of songs.. songs I like.. trigging not memories but emotions. Stuff I wanted to write about but don't have the gutts to. Why? Because again of the monster inside my head. One day I'll find time in explaining those songs because they do have meaning to me.. not memories, but meaning. My friend was able to make a CD for me with the songs I listed down for her. I wrote 30+ but of course she was only able to include 19 or 18. Maybe I'll start now with my favorite lines.


My Immortal - Evanescence
There's just too much that time cannot erase

The Reason - Hoobastank
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday

Breakdown - Mariah Carey
Do you hold on in vain
As they just slip away

Rainbow - South Border
Sometimes we never could understand
Why some things begin then just end


Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
I should've seen just what was there and not some holy light


This Love - Maroon 5
I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings


If You're Not the One - Daniel Bedingfield
I hope I love you all my life


Lately - Stevie Wonder
But what I really feel my eyes won’t let me hide

The Gift - Jim Brickman & Susan Ashton
You saved my heart
From being broken apart


Grow Old with You - Adam Sandler
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you


More than Words - Extreme
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Just Like a Pill - Pink
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill


To Where You Are - Josh Groban
Fly me up to where you are beyond a distant star

Kailangan Kita - Gary Valenciano
Kailangan kita, ngayon at kailanman

Four Seasons of Loneliness - Boyz II Men
Until you release me I’m bound under ball and chain


Unwell - Matchbox 20
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown


She's Out of My Life - 98 Degrees
And I've learned that love won't wait, won't wait
Now I've learned love needs expression

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t
Coming

Wherever You will Go - The Calling
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you


Hah! need some sleep!

image source

so much for my happy ending

My Happy Ending

Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

CHORUS X 2

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

image source

imagining you care

Barely Breathing

Duncan Sheik

I know what you’re doing, I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears

You really had me going, wishing on a star

But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn

Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born

There’s not much to examine, there’s nothing left to hide

You really can’t be serious if you have to ask me why I say goodbye…

‘Cause I am barely breathing

And I can’t find the air

I don’t know who I’m kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price

the price that I would pay

Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about?

I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out

What is this attraction? I only feel the pain

There’s nothing left to reason and only you to blame

Will it ever change?

‘Cause I am barely breathing

And I can’t find the air

I don’t know who I’m kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price

the price that I would pay

But I’m thinking it over anyway, thinking it over anyway

I’ve come to find, I may never know

Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?

I rise above, or sink below

With every time, you come and go

Please don’t come and go

‘Cause I am barely breathing

And I can’t find the air

I don’t know who I’m kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price

the price that I would pay
But I’m thinking it over anyway, thinking it over anyway

I know what you’re doing, I see it all too clear

image source

official hate blog

i don't know why this is happenning? or is it that it just so happen that whenever i'm angry or mad i would be able to come accross this blog site or will think of writing an entry here.
 
i'm not sure i know anyone who knows this blog site exists.. well, for those who know me personally that's why i can record all my hates.. although, i'm not also sure if keeping a record of your hateful feelings are good.
 
i just want to sleep.. well, this has nothing to do with how i feel emotionally but then again.. it sort of adds to it.. a little.
 
i hate him.  well, i don't.  i hate him because i don't hate him.  i know this sounds pathetic.. but i'm the drama princess. i have every right to pour out my emotions. 
 
so there, i hate him and it's all because for a fact i know that he knows that i like him and yet there he goes making me follow him around.. emotionally speaking.  of course i have no means of physically doing such, but still it sort of feels the same.
 
i don't know what i would want or like but the thing is he should at least be considerate enough and all.  one already knows if one is capable of loving someone, so if the answer is no, one should atleast have the decency to let that someone know, right? it's not about hurting someone else's feelings.. one would be able to hurt that person anyway, sooner or later one will.  it's also not about keeping friends, because we all know there will never be pure friendship if one feels more than the other.  you can't say you don't want the person to go away because that person is your friend, specially if the other one thinks more of you than just friends, that would be using the person to your advantage.  in a way or another there are things that you can't let go of in that person.  and if that's not love for that person then that must be something else.. most of the time it's ego boosting or just plain taking advantage of that person's weakness, you.
 
i hate it. i totally hate it.  i don't know why i got myself in this position or if ever i have been in this before, have i?
 
i don't have much strength left to think about it.
 
but as far as my mind can process i can't think of such an incident.  because i think all of them became close to me because they have other things in mind and that's not just friendship.  yes, all five guys.
 
i know he once admitted that he likes me but less than 24 hours after he took it back because we haven't met yet or the akwardness is unbearable.  i'm in a situation i've never been before.  there are things i want to do. there are things i want to say but all of these things could make or break it.  can i risk the chance of losing him?  well, i don't want to ask if i want to lose this feeling, because yes, i do, but i don't want losing him in the process as well. 
 
This sucks.. this sucks big time!
 
waaah!!

too long.. too quiet..

the pain in my tummy is nothing but hunger. i want to curl up and contemplate on the pain it brings but i'd rather keep a straight face and continue this so-called life..

i'm not sure what hurts more.. the pain in my tummy or the other pain in my ears because of the screaming silence of this other part of the world.

is it drought? or maybe worse it's already sun shiny happy in this other part of the world that i no longer count as an inhabitant...

how to take this, i'm not sure.. because i know i have no right to claim a piece of land where someone already owns. besides i didn't even try getting it away from them.

you can't loose what you never had..hurt? i can see no tears.. does that mean this is victory? i miss the Magic 8 Ball Toy...

image source

lines from lilo and stitch: haaay..

Lilo: Oh good! My dog found the chainsaw!

---

Stitch: [While using a VW Beetle to defend himself against attackers] Blue punch buggy... no punch-back!

---

Stitch: This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

---

Lilo: Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.

---

Lilo: [explaining the death of her parents to Stitch] It was raining, and they went for a drive. What happened to yours? I hear you crying at night. Are you thinking about them? I know that's why you wreck things, and push me.

---

Lilo: I'm sorry I bit you... and pulled your hair... and punched you in the face...

---

Lilo: [creating voodoo dolls of her playmates] My friends need to be punished.

---

Mr. Cobra Bubbles: Thus far, you have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of my patience.

---

Pleakley: Oh great! He's loose!
Jumba: His destructive programming is taking effect. He'll be irresistibly drawn to large cities where he'll back up plumbing, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe.

---

Stitch: Aloha!
Gantu: Ah! You're vile; you're foul; you're flawed!
Stitch: Also cute and fluffy!

---

Nani: Lilo! There you are, "Honey Face!" This is Mr..."Bubbles."
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: Nice to meet you.
Lilo: Your knuckles say "cobra"..."Cobra Bubbles"... you don't... *look* like a social worker.
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: I'm a special classification.
Lilo: Did you ever kill anyone?
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: We're getting off the subject. Let's talk about you. Are you... happy?
Lilo: I'm adjusted.
[Repeats what Nani is signing to her behind Bubbles' back]
Lilo: I eat four food groups and look both ways befroe crossing the street... and take long naps... and get disciplined?
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: "Disciplined?"
Lilo: Yeah! She disciplines me real good. Sometimes fives times a day! With bricks!
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: "Bricks?"
Lilo: Uh huh... in a pillow case...

---

Nani: I think it's a koala, an evil koala.

---

Jumba: WHAT? after all you put me through, you expect me to help you just like that? JUST LIKE THAT?
Stitch: [alien language] Ih.
Jumba: Fine!
Pleakley: "Fine"? You're doing what he says?
Jumba: He's very persuasive!

---

Lilo: Leave me alone to diiiiie.

---

Hula Teacher: Lilo, why are you all wet?
Lilo: It's sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich...
Hula Teacher: "Pudge" is a fish?
Lilo: And today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said "a tuna sandwich". I can't give Pudge tuna.
[whispering]
Lilo: Do you know what tuna IS?
Hula Teacher: Fish?
Lilo: [hysterical] It's fish. If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination. I'm late because I had to go to the store and get peanut butter 'cause all we have is... is... Stinkin' tuna.
Hula Teacher: Lilo, Lilo, why is this so important?
Lilo: [calm] Pudge controls the weather.

---

Captain Gantu: Abomination!
Stitch: Stupid-head!

---

Stitch: Poocha Chubugga Oom Chickee! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

---

Lilo: Our family's little now, and we don't have many toys... But if you want, you could be a part of it. You could be our baby, and we'd raise you to be good.

---

Jumba: Come on, what's the big deal?
Stitch: [in alien language] Oongatish mista!
Jumba: I'll put you back together again... I'll make you taller, and not so fluffy!
[whips plates at Stitch, frisbee style]
Stitch: I like fluffy!
[after there is a ring of holes around Stitch]
Stitch: [in alien language] Ah, Pooama Chicky!
Jumba: Ach! Leave my mother out of this!

---

Nani: I shouldn't have yelled at you...
Lilo: We're sisters... It's our job.
Nani: Yeah, well, from now on...
Lilo: I like you better as a sister than a mom.
Nani: Yeah?
Lilo: And you like me better as a sister than a rabbit, right?

---

Lilo: A falling star... I call it!... Get out, get out! I have to make a wish!
[Pushes Nani out of her room]
Lilo: Can't you go any faster?
Nani: Oh no! Gravity is increasing on me!
[Nani begins to fall on Lilo]
Lilo: No, it's not!
Nani: Is too, Lilo; the same thing happened yesterday.
Lilo: You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so wierd?

---

Rescue Lady: Oh yes, mmhmm, all of our dogs are adoptable
[Lilo walks in with Stitch]
Rescue Lady: Except that one!
Nani: What is that thing?
Rescue Lady: A dog, I think... But it was dead this morning...
Nani: It was dead this morning?
Rescue Lady: Well we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!

---

Lilo: [Sitting at a table with Stitch] David! I got a new dog!
David: Auwe... You sure it's a dog?
Lilo: Uh huh... He used to be a collie before he got ran over.

---

Lilo: Did you lose your job because of Stitch and me?
Nani: Nah... the manager's a vampire and he wanted me to join his legion of the undead.
Lilo: I knew it!

---

Nani: Did you catch fire again?
David: No just the stage.

---

Lilo: Don't worry. She likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read her diary.
David: She thinks it's fancy?

---

Lilo: Did you ever... kill anyone?
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: We're getting off-subject here.

---

Lilo: Elvis Presley was a model citizen. I've compiled a list of his traits for you to practice. Number one... is dancing!

---

Jumba: So, tell me, my little one-eyed one... on what poor, pitiful, defenseless planet has my "monstrosity" been unleashed?

---

Grand Councilwoman: What if our military forces just landed there?
Pleakley: Well that'll be a BAD IDEA! These are extremely simple creatures miss. Landing there would create mass mayhem and planet wide panic!

---

Rescue lady: You have to think of a name for him.
Lilo: His name is..."Stitch."
Rescue lady: Now that's not a real name...
[Nani gesturing "NO"]
Rescue lady: ...in Iceland. But here it's a good name! "Stitch" it is.

---

Stitch: Aloha!

---

Grand Councilwoman: How do you plead?
Jumba: Not guilty! My experiments are only theoretical, and completely within legal boundaries.
Grand Councilwoman: We believe you actually... created something.
Jumba: "Created something?" Hah! But that would be irresponsible and unethical. I would never, ever...
[Stitch is revealed]
Jumba: ...make... more than one.

---

Nani: You are so finished when I get in there! I'm gonna stuff you in the blender, push "puree," then bake you into a pie and feed it to the social worker! And when he says, "Mmmm, this is great, what's your secret?" I'm gonna say...
[Looks up, notices Cobra Bubbles]
Nani: ..."Love... and... nurturing..."

---

Grand Councilwoman: What is that monstrousity?
Jumba: Monstrousity? What you see before you is the beginning of a new species. I call it Experiment 626. It is fire-proof, bullet-proof, and can think faster than super computer. It can see in the dark, and lift objects three thousand times its size. It's only instinct... to destroy everything it touches! Ha ha ha ha!
Grand Councilwoman: So it IS a monster.
Jumba: Just a little one.

---

David: [to Stitch] So you're from outer space? I hear the surfing is choice.

---

Captain Gantu: Place that idiot scientist under arrest!
Jumba: I prefer to be called "Evil Genius!"

---

Grand Councilwoman: Are they intelligent?
Pleakley: No. But they're very delicate. In fact, every time an asteroid strikes their planet, they have to begin life all over.

---

Nani: Oh, you are such a pain.
Lilo: Then why don't you sell me an' buy a rabbit instead?
Nani: At least a rabbit would behave better than you!
Lilo: Good! Then you'll be happy cuz it'll be smarter than me too!
Nani: And quieter!
Lilo: You'll like it cuz it's stinky like you!
[Lilo slam her bedroom door]
Nani: Go to your room!
Lilo: I'm already in my room!

---

Pleakley: Oh, can't complain, Mom. I'm camping out here with a convicted criminal. And, uh, oh; I had my head chewed on by a monster!

---

[meeting the social worker after unknowingly damaging his car]
Nani: You must be...
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: The "stupidhead."
Nani: Oh. Ohhhh! Listen, I am really sorry about that, and if I had known who you were, of course I would never ever... I can pay for that.
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: It's a rental. Are you the guardian in question?
Nani: Yes, I'm Nani, nice to meet you Mr...
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: Bubbles.
Nani: Mr. "Bubbles?" That's a strange...
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: Yes I know. Are you going to invite me in, "Nani?"

---

[Stitch is running away]
Lilo: "Ohana" means "family." "Family" means "no one gets left behind." But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you though.
[looking at her picture of her dead parents]
Lilo: I remember everyone that leaves.

---

Jumba: Yes, that's it; come quietly.
Stitch: W-... wa-... waiting.
Jumba: For what?
Stitch: Family.

---

Lilo: You know, you wreck everything you touch. Why don't you try and make something for a change?
[Stitch starts building a city out of what he finds in Lilos room]
Lilo: Wow. San Francisco.
[Stitch begins to destroy the city like the monster in "Eath vs. the Spider", picking up a toy car]
Stitch: [As car passengers] "Eeeeeek! Save me!"
Lilo: No more caffeine for you.

---

Mr. Cobra Bubbles: [to Lilo] Aliens are all about rules.
Grand Councilwoman: You look familiar...
Mr. Cobra Bubbles: CIA. Roswell. 1973
Grand Councilwoman: Ah yes. You had hair then.

---

Nani: You smell like a lawn mower.

---

Lilo: This is your badness level. It's unusually high for someone your size.

---

[Stitch and Jumba are tossing a jammed up gun back and forth]
Stitch: Merry Christmas.
Jumba: It's not Christmas.
Stitch: Happy Channukah!
Jumba: One potato...
Stitch: ...two potato...
Jumba: ...three potato...
Stitch: ...four...
Jumba: ...five potato...
Stitch: ...six potato...
Jumba: ...seven potato, more...
Stitch: ...and...
Jumba: ...my...
Stitch: ...mother...
Jumba: ...told...
Stitch: ...me...
Jumba: ...you...
Stitch: ...are...
Jumba: ...it. I win!

---

Lilo: You came back.
Stitch: "Nobody gets left behind."

---

Nani: ...something that won't die. Something... sturdy... you know?
Lilo: Like a lobster!
Nani: Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No! We have a dog door! We are getting a dog!

---

Lilo: We're leaving Stitch?
Pleakley: Trust me, this is NOT going to end well!

---

Alien: Confirmed, he's taken a police cruiser.
Second Alien: He, uh, he took the red one.

---

Nani: Now talk! I know you can.
Stitch: Ok, ok.
[Nani freaks and smacks him down with a tree branch]

---

Lilo: Don't leave me, ok?
Stitch: Ok.

---

Pleakley: Look! A mosquito has chosen me as her perch. She's so beautiful. There's another one, and another. It's a whole flock. They like me. They're nuzzling my flesh with their noses. Now they're... they're... Aaaaaaaah!

---

Captain Gantu: Aw. Uncomfortable? Good! The council has sentenced you to exile on a deserted asteroid. So relax, enjoy the trip... and don't get any ideas. These guns are linked to your genetic signature. They won't shoot anyone but you.


image source

psyched

i know it's wrong to lead someone on. would you think it's unfair? don't worry, i won't blame others when they start to hate me because of this.

so, why do i continue to do this? well, it was just a one time thing and i think it would be the last. well, i sure hope so. i half like and half hate the feeling..

bad trip.. i know he won't understand or maybe he also do.

am i expanding my options or am i just taking advantage of the situation?

waaah!

i'm not confused. i still know what i want. but to explain my actions i don't know.

loathe

this is starting to be a hate blog.

well, if things won't turn out right in the near future i think most of the entries here will be about hate.

my head is already aching.. a lot! and not because of whatever reason, it's just that my eyebrows are so crunched up together and i'm so not in the mood of releasing them and making them at ease.

waaah!!!

grrr!!

a pit in the stomach

i would prefer butterfies anyday...

maybe i'm just hungry. or i could be just being dellusional again. but what the heck i know for a fact that when it comes to tummy hurts with me, it always has to do with something psychological. sick huh?!? but not exactly...

well, it keeps me aware that i'm still alive and still can feel pain..

now i'm wondering.. and it's starting to making me think.. thus, putting some effort in my brain muscles. sooner or letter it will be my brain who will go blank..

i would have to face the monster under my bed.

getting pissed off

okay, so i just started and here i am blabbing about getting pissed off..

i guess, that's already in my nature and no, there's nothing i can do about it. it's just that i have a knack for letting shit happen in my life. i know some would think i'm being too hard on myself or i'm not giving enough credit to fate, but it's true. it's like every step of the way i'm bound to fuck up in one way or another.

i love my job. i do. and i know i can be good at this. it's just that i'm stil new and i don't really know how to perfectly go about it. i would need constant guidance and insight. i'm running out of ideas and i really feel awkward in doing some things.. grrr.. i just want to blurt it out.

i know this would look like another blog filled with hate and sarcasm and something that would remind you how cruel the world. but it's the truth. i'm not sure when i've learned this sad truth about my life being jinxed, maybe second grade? hah!

i'm getting sick to my stomach. i'm starting to get light headed.. it seems i need oxygen but breathing in won't do it. i'm not sure if i'm holding my breath or subconsciously i'm depriving myself from breathing.. i thinkg i'm going to pass out. or at least i want to. but i don't want to escape like that. i want to get through this, with flying colors or not. i just want to get through this..

divine intervention? mere luck? what? there must be something i need to ease this tight feeling in my chest.. or do i just have to loosen my bra strap? hah! bitter sweet laughter..

am i going insane? well, when have i stopped. i just hate this feeling and i want to breathe.

help!

addressed to no one in particular.. again, reminding me that these are the moments in life when one needs someone or anyone and here i am all alone, barely standing.

i just want that Gmail account.. maybe that would make me smile.

just a start...

i have been blogging for quite some time now and i was wondering what's the point of having more than one.. but then again, exploring web features is kinda my thing so i don't think it would bother me that much to update my blogs.

well, it's not that there's so much happening in my life but then again i'm too good in making things complicated. and besides, i don't intend to send this page to everyone because of my stalker in denial "freind". hehehehe

well, so much for a first entry, i'll go and explore this site first and find out how cool this really is.. ü

so unlike me

best friend.. i just can't define one. maybe because i have this idealistic picture of a best friend that everybody else would just come short. but i do believe at different points in my life i had one.. different ones. but then i would go and ask, best friends are supposed to be there always right? well, how would i know.. my definition doesn't have it but then again.. aarrgh!

as of the present i do have people who know me. i'm no longer the "who are you?" kind of friend. although testimonials from these people sometimes contradict, i wonder why, but they pretty much get the picture..

so, i was caught aback when one of these very few kindred spirits told me that, "it's so unlike you..."

then i stopped. took about two steps back.. and then shoot! yes.. it's sooo unlike me. i don't know what happened but there i can see it and totally point it out...

good thing or bad thing? i don't know.. we'll see.

image source

the second coming of age

what is it like to undergo quarter life crisis? it's just that i seem to put myself in an imaginary crisis everyday that i'm really not sure whether i'm having the quarter-life one.. heheheh!

hah! this one is neat!

unknown, i tip some gin for you...

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

image source

as days go by

coming to understand something clearly and distinctly;

making real or giving the appearance of reality

things you can't avoid...
i'm still amazed how much i can hold back. i have never been this way before. i always give in. but now, i'm actually putting up with the fight. i don't expect to win but i never expected that i could stay in the game.

one day maybe, when i fall to my knees and ask to stop this nonesense game of minds, maybe i will look at my scars and be proud..

odd

beyond or deviating from the usual or expected

i'm unusually getting a hug.. hmm.. thanks anyway, whoever you are... i need them.

if there are things you're taking for granted, be sure you'll be able to live without them. because once these things are gone you could just go on with your life just never the same.

excess baggage personified

Teenage Dirtbag
Wheatus

Her name is noel
I have a dream about her
She rings my bell
I got gym class in half an hour
And oh how she rocks
In keds and tube socks
But she doesn’t know who I am
And she doesn’t give a damn about me

Cuz I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Yeah I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Listen to iron maiden baby with me ooh

Her boyfriend’s a dick
He brings a gun to school
He’d simply kick my ass if he knew the truth
He lives on my block
And he drives an irok
And he doesn’t know who I am
And he doesn’t give a damn about me

Cuz I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Yeah I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Listen to iron maiden baby with me ooh
Ooh yeah dirtbag
No she doesn’t know what she’s missin’

Man I feel like mold
It’s prom night and I am lonely lo and behold
She’s walkin’ over to me this must be fake
My lip starts to shake

How does she know who I am
Why does she give a damn about me
I’ve got two tickets to iron maiden baby
Come with me friday don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you ooh
Ooh yeah dirtbag
No she doesn’t know what she’s missin’

image source