still thinking..

i'm not sure what really happened.

i can't even answer simple questions anymore. questions that are supposed to be very easy to answer because i was there. i can remember the words, everything that we talked about and the funny conclusion we came to reach. but somehow there still seems to be questions left unanswered. things that i'm not sure what. my eyebrows are still crunched up together and i still have that little pout that tells my mom i'm deep in thought.

i was about to make a mistake awhile ago, just because i had time to think. okay, at least now i can admit that it will be a mistake if i've gone through with the idea.

again, waiting.. for answers.. for things to happen.

i can't describe or figure out what i'm feeling right now or what i'm supposed to feel after everything that has happened.

i'm not confused.. it seem to be the wrong word to use.

are there regrets? i'm also not certain. but also i still can't think of things that i should have done. and so far, i'm really quick when it comes to things like these..

ah.. yes.. there was this question i think i should have asked. but then again that would be too rude and hurting.. and the whole situation already hurts a lot. so, maybe it's just right that i didn't think of it that time.

come to think of it, he gave me the answers to some questions i'm still asking right now.. it doesn't really give me a smile plastered across my face, but it gives a tug in my heart.. in a good way..

yeah, i guess i should really work out on this just being happy thing. eventually, things will turn out the way it's supposed to, right?!

i know saying eventually would again put me in the waiting state.. but what the heck.. i should get used to it by now..

ha! what do you know.. "Torn" is playing the radio.. nice..

RENThead

over time..

Flash Slideshow

staying

so, i was not meant to face my reflection.

i'm okay now.. living my motto.. expecting the worst but not expecting.. i'm still waiting but it doesn't feel as bad.

i have to go to ortigas tomorrow.. i have a job offer! at last! woohoo! haay.. thank you Lord!

well, i just sang this song in my head.. with no apparent reason.. this is from "RENT".

Take Me Or Leave Me - RENT

Maureen:
Every single day,
I walk down the street
I hear people say: "Baby's so sweet!"
Ever since puberty
Everybody stares at me,
Boys, girls I can't help it, baby.
So be kind, and don't lose your mind
Just remember, that I'm your baby

Take me for what I am!
Who I was meant to be!
And if you give a damn,
Take me baby,Or leave me!

Take me baby or leave me!

Maureen:
A tiger in a cage
Can never see the sun.
This diva needs her stage, baby,
Let's have fun!
You are the one I choose,
Folks would kill to fill your shoes!
You love the limelight too now, baby!
So be mine, and don't waste my time
Cryin', "Oh honey bear are you still my, my, my baby?"

Take me for what I am!
Who I was meant to be!
And, if you give a damn,
Take me baby, or leave me!

No way, can I be what I'm not!
But hey, don't you want your girl hot?
Don't fight, don't loose your head,
'Cause every night who's in your bed?
Who? Who's in your bed?
Spoken: Kiss Pookie?!

Joanne:
It won't work!
I look before I leap.
I love margins and discipline.
I make lists in my sleep, baby.
What's my sin?
Never quit.
I follow through.
I hate mess but I love you.
What to do with my impromptu baby?
So be wise, 'cause this girl satisfies,
You got a prize, but don't compromise
You're one lucky baby!!!

Joanne: Take me for what I am!
Maureen: Control freak!
Joanne: Who I was meant to be!
Maureen: A snob yet over attentive!
Joanne: And, if you give a damn!
Maureen: A loveable droll, geek!
Joanne: Take me baby or leave me!
Maureen: And anal retentive!

Both: That's it!
Joanne: The straw that breaks my back!
Both: I quit!
Joanne: Unless you take it back!
Both: Women,
Maureen:What is it about them?
Both: Can't live, with them or without them!

Chorus:
Both: Take me for what I am
Joanne: Who I was meant to be
Maureen: Who I was meant to be
and, if you give a damn
Joanne: and if you give a damn you better
Take me baby, or leave me
Maureen: Take me baby, take me or leave me
Both: Take me baby or leave me
Spoken: Guess I'm leaving, I'm gone!

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in front of the mirror

tomorrow i'll face the mirror and i'm not sure what i'll see and what i'll look like when i start to walk away..

i have this picture in mind that i would see when i go in front and when i turn around.. but being the sarcastic person that i am, i won't be surprised if i'd see otherwise..

i'm nervous.. afraid.. i don't know what to think and do..

haaay.. i again, can't have a decent deep breath..

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stagnant roller coaster

i'm still clueless on what step to take..

but so far things are just getting worse but partly looking up.. does that make me just go back to where i was?!

i kind of know what to do when things come. but i'm presented with new worries and woes. so, i'm not sure if there's improvement. maybe i'm just still in the same state but not exactly on the same spot.

i don't want to take the matters into my own hands anymore.. it just makes me expect more. expect the worst but don't expect.

i've gotten over the expecting the unexpected state. but it still makes me think. a lot actually.

i'll just go where my shoes take me.. hahaha!

laughter has always been the best facade for me. the smiles. behind this smile is everything you'll never understand.

my chest still hurts.. i'm not sure if that's because of my heart or my lungs.. ha! can't breathe.. or can't live.. ?!?

i'm just wishing that one day i'd be able to write here without these feelings.

happy or sad, i can't say..

still waiting for things to unfold on its own so that i would be able to know the next part of the story.

impatience has always been my weakness. i really hate to wait.. actually that's making me sick.

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oblivion

there are things you just want to forget.. but at the same time you can't stop but reminisce those moments and seconds..

i'm on a drinking streak and i don't want to break it.. i feel like i don't want to break it but i'm not sure if i'd be able to afford it since i still have final exams coming up. but as of this moment i don't. regardless of who i'm with or what i'm drinking as long as i do..

there are actions and words that you would want to take back but you know you can't..

there are reasons for these actions and words that you have within your grasp but don't really want to know and admit that this is why all of these are happenning.

i'm at fault. and i don't know what to do about it. i could always think of the right things to do, the things that are expected of me to do, and the things that i'm not exaclty sure of.. now i'm thinking, maybe i should not give it that much thought.

i'm waiting for things to happen, things that i'm almost a hundred percent certain that won't happen. but i'm here waiting. hoping against hope? i'm not sure.. expecting? not exactly. i don't know..

confusion may be the apt word for everything that's been going on, but there's this sense of certainty in every emotion, action and words that saying that they're out of confusion would be telling a lie..

it would be nice to have someone to talk these with. without the fear of misunderstanding. but right now, there's no such person.. well, not that i know of..

i don't know what to do, what to want, what to expect, what to feel, what?!

"easy to fall, hard to forget" one of my many ailments.. i'm wondering now, how would i be able to reach the state of oblivion and when..

how do you stop yourself from believing something even if you know it's not true? i mean why do i keep on believing things that i know is not true? and how do you stop from believing?

one day, i'd forget everything..

one day, i'd be able to know the answers to my questions..

one day, i'd know what to do..

one day, i'd forget everything..

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false hopes?!?

ok.. so what now? it didn't seem to me that anything has changed. i can't help but live up with my motto..

i'm again trying to fight back tears..

is it my fault again?

haaay..

i'm sorry

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now what?!?

i just can't help but live my motto... haay...
this would be the last straw... i just don't want to get overjoyed all over again..

haay...

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to cry or not to..

these passed few days i've been telling people that almost all the aspects of my life are in ruins.

it's much easier to breakdown and cry than put up an emotionless face that would be the norm.

it's much easier to cry but it's as if the tears are tears too painful to endure and to release.

i have been welling them up but not really pouring it out.

it's very hard to have no one to talk to.. no one to pour out your heart to.. but what i'm doing now is much more difficult.. letting it out only through the finger tips.

i want to go on and type away but i also want to stop, because it's already getting harder and harder to breathe..


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another one bites the dust

it was my birthday then..
then it was the day before..
then it was the first of october going to the second..
now, it's almost everyday..
this has got to stop..
though it's breaking my heart.

Bolunji
Velcro

Sana'y di mo na lang sinabi,
Hindi ko naman tinatanong
Na kailangan mo pang isipin
Ok lang naman sa akin yon.

Ako'y maghihintay na lamang sa iyo,
Basta't wag lang, lumampas ng isang linggo

Dahil di pa naman ita ganun kamahal.
Kakakilala ko lang sa iyo.
Malay ko ba kung sasaktan/gagamitin mo lang ako.

Di pa naman kita ganun kamahal
Galing lang ako sa hiwalayan/iyakan
Sayang naman kung di mo ko pagbibigyan/
Sobra naman pag masaktan muli ako.

Sana'y di mo na lang sinabi
Na meron ka nang pagtingin
Dahil di pa ko ready na buksan muli ang puso ko

Maghintay ka lang,
Nandito lang naman ako.

Konting panahon pa...
Para makapagisip ako...

Wag na nating labanan pa ang ating nadarama
Bahala na kung saan tayo mapunta

die for a second

i need to pause.. bend my head and take a deep breath... because if i lift my chin, everywhere i will look there will be something that will either break my heart, or make me cry or just simply crush me.

these are the times that i would always wish for a hand to hold.. a shoulder to lean on..

i have my friends, that's true.. they're good people and sometimes they're all that i need.

but there are certain instances in life that you would need someone to care for you more than that of the usual.

i never thought i'd be liking this song... but here goes!!


All The Love In The World
The Corrs

I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friend, I'm more than O.K.
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but it's not all they say
Still I believe (I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticize it
I have no hestitaion
My imagination just stole me away
(Still...) Still I believe
(I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

Love's for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah I'm only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) And i won't wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world
(Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...)


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crying in the rain...

Life Support
Hale

Sarcastic smiles and fake hellos
We try to hide but always
Leave an open door behind
To escape from reality

It felt so sure but we said no
We're throwing lies at someone
We don't know, we don't know
From this reality

Why can't we risk ourlives
For something that we can't deny
We try to run something
We don't know, we don't know
Is this reality

Why are you crying

I feel sorry

I feel so sorry
For me........

image source

music of my..

Bolunjie
Velcro

SANAY DI MO NALANG SINABI
HINDI KO NAMAN TINATANONG
Na kailangan mo pang isipin
Ok lang naman sa akin yon.

Ako'y maghihintay na lamang sa iyo,
Basta't wag lang, lumampas ng isang linggo

Chorus:

DAHIL DI PA NAMAN KITA GANUN KAMAHAL
KAKAKILALA KO LANG SA IYO
MALAY KO BA KUNG SASAKTAN/GAGAMITIN
MO LANG AKO
DI PA NAMAN KITA GANUN KA MAHAL, GALING
LANG AKO SA HIWALAYAN/IYAKAN
Sayang naman kung di mo ko pagbibigyan
(sobra naman pag masaktan muli ako)

Sana'y di mo na lang sinabi
Na meron ka nang pagtingin
Dahil di pa ko READY na buksan muli ang puso ko

Maghintay ka lang, nandito lang naman ako.
Konting panahon pa...para makapagisip ako..

[chorus]

Bridge:
Wag na nating labanan pa ang ating nadarama
BAHALA NA KUNG SAAN TAYO MAPUNTA

[chorus!!]

I Know

Yasmien Kurdi

I don't need to own a fancy car
To drive with you around the city
I don't need to live in a palace like house
A simple home is enough for me
I don't need much
Only your attention
I had to hope
To make me feel that I am not alone

I know
Is you my life is worth living
I know
Is you my life is gonna be just fine
I know
If you each day begins with a smile

I don't really have to worry
Somethings won't workout for me
I don't really have to bother
Just as long as you here with me
I don't need much
Only your affection
To see me through
To make me feel that I am not alone

I know
Together we can make our dreams come true
I know
But through the years we won't be growing old
I know
Counting stars won't be so hard to do

There will be your always time
At the end of the tumble shine
Our love for each other never fails
Baby I just know
(I know)
I know
(I know)
I know... wooahh..
I know
(I know)
I know
(I know)
wooahh...

I don't need much
Only your affection
To see me through
To make me feel that I am not alone

guess the movie

more movies

loved Dakota Fanning! She's got the most beutiful and expressive eyes!! and of couse, robert de niro is still as brilliant as ever! i never knew until they told...

i love johnny depp!! and the boy who played peter was good! the one who played michael was so sweet.. and kate winslet did a good job!!

believe?

Birth Data for Laarni:
Birth Date........... September 18, 1984
Birth Location..... Batangas, Philippines
Sun Sign............ Virgo

Mercury Square Uranus with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees

Brilliant and original as you are, you can also be difficult and unpredictable. Close ties may complain they never know when you are going to show up or what you're planning next. You are easily bored and love people who can both stimulate and surprise you.

Sun Square Neptune with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

Your father was either over- idealized or he was rejected as a role model. Either way, your concept of what a man should be is not based upon a mortal person, but upon an ideal. This may lead to unrealistic expectations in close personal relationships.

Mercury Trine Jupiter with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

You have a quality people trust and you are often sought after as a confidante or an advisor. You have high moral and ethical standards and it is imperative that anyone you're close to is a person of the highest integrity. You prefer well-educated people.

series of unfortuante events

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haay...

Can We Just Stop and Talk Awhile
Gary V. and Kyla

Fancy meeting you alone in the crowd
Couldn't help but notice your smile
While everybody else around us is going about
Can we just stop and talk awhile?

I've been often told our world's growing old
And that friends are harder to find
Do tell me more about yourself
We could share a thought or two
Now who would mind?

Maybe then we could go for a ride
Drive down to the countryside
Get away from the gray
And frenzied hurly-burly of the city life

Early yet to say what lies ahead
It's the first day of the rest of our lives
Can we just stop and talk awhile
Get to know each other
Who are we to know?
Love could be waiting at the end
'Round that bend and so
Let's stop and talk awhile

Can we just stop and talk awhile
Get to know each other
Who are we to know?
Love could be waiting at the end
'Round that bend and so
Let's stop and talk awhile
Let's stop and talk awhile
Let's stop and talk awhile
Let's stop and talk awhile

haay.. expect the worst but don't expect na naman ang drama ng lola mo!

i'll be going back to school.. kinda excited but then again, cold water is being thrown to me everytime i see a batch mate.. haay.. ok lang..

see you in real life.. i've been there and it's no utopia!

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UP Fair

UP Fair

19 February 2005

I know it has been a week and i may not be that accurate but then again it had been a long time since i had the urge of writing about something. So, here.

As the years of my life taught me, February 14th will always be a day not to be really happy about. But until now i'm still not sure if this year was the same. In a way, well, in many ways, yes. It would be shameful for someone as pessimistic as I am to just have one way of making things look bad.. hah!

So, there. My brother texted me and told me that PnE would be playing for tonight's (feb14) UP Fair. I got so excited and told him to confirm. He then said it's true! So, there, I asked my mom permission and there, off to Diliman!

As usual I was late and so was my brother. As expected there were a lot of bands, some were even cool and PnE was the last. Not being a fan, my brother got sleepy and tired and bored while I was still giddy and excited. Of course, PnE played last. They played four songs, the crowd was wild, Vinci was not there, Jay was there and was so brilliant. The band played Ted Hannah while the crowd sings and no Chito to be found. Then when he came out, he has a tattoo or was that just henna (heheheh) on his right arm. It was cool! Although, I didnt really see the details. They played Harana, then Jay came out for Okatokat, then because Vinci was not around Jay played his (Vinci) part for The Yes Yes Show and was so brilliant! Then the crowd requested for one more song, they played Buloy.

So, there. My instincts told me to go to the back stage. I practically dragged my brother there because he really wants to go home already but his desire of making me happy won. So, we went to the back stage. And the stroke of luck, Chito and Kaye were just going out. I said hi, he acknowledged and said goodbye. I had to call Kaye, she smiled and acknowledged as well. I was reaching for the pentel pen in my bag and ask for an autograph but his saying goodbye, virtually kicked me out. So, we left.

Heart broken?!? In a way yes. In many ways, YES! I dont really love him, it would be cool to be his mistress though. Heheheh! But he broke my heart that night. Although I never really asked for anything and he didnt really say no. But not stopping and automatically saying good bye was like saying get lost, I'm tired that's why I layed off. It's a good thing I didnt bring my CDs or it would be more hurtful. There were a lot of things I failed to say and do because of being hurt. I was supposed to ask if any parokyano came, ask him to approve my friend request in friendster, look at his tattoo, and meet the other members of the band. But like i've said, after the rejetion, we left. I've thought if kiki was there with me maybe it would be different.

Haaay.. until now there's this crunching in my heart.

But good things happened after. The next day we get to watch The Phantom of the Opera. And it was superb!! I'm just wondering why it didn't make it to the Oscars. Maybe they're tired of musicals winning. But it was really a great movie. And again, it made me cry.

We bought VCDs too. Big Daddy and Autumn in New York. I never stopped watching Big Daddy and I didnt cry watching Autumn in New York.

Then, Noel brought a copy of My Sassy Girl... and waaaahhh!! I died crying.

I guess, I would have to conclude that yes, it was a typical valentine for barn... devastation.