getting pissed off

okay, so i just started and here i am blabbing about getting pissed off..

i guess, that's already in my nature and no, there's nothing i can do about it. it's just that i have a knack for letting shit happen in my life. i know some would think i'm being too hard on myself or i'm not giving enough credit to fate, but it's true. it's like every step of the way i'm bound to fuck up in one way or another.

i love my job. i do. and i know i can be good at this. it's just that i'm stil new and i don't really know how to perfectly go about it. i would need constant guidance and insight. i'm running out of ideas and i really feel awkward in doing some things.. grrr.. i just want to blurt it out.

i know this would look like another blog filled with hate and sarcasm and something that would remind you how cruel the world. but it's the truth. i'm not sure when i've learned this sad truth about my life being jinxed, maybe second grade? hah!

i'm getting sick to my stomach. i'm starting to get light headed.. it seems i need oxygen but breathing in won't do it. i'm not sure if i'm holding my breath or subconsciously i'm depriving myself from breathing.. i thinkg i'm going to pass out. or at least i want to. but i don't want to escape like that. i want to get through this, with flying colors or not. i just want to get through this..

divine intervention? mere luck? what? there must be something i need to ease this tight feeling in my chest.. or do i just have to loosen my bra strap? hah! bitter sweet laughter..

am i going insane? well, when have i stopped. i just hate this feeling and i want to breathe.

help!

addressed to no one in particular.. again, reminding me that these are the moments in life when one needs someone or anyone and here i am all alone, barely standing.

i just want that Gmail account.. maybe that would make me smile.