Bi-curious

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Bi-curious is a term used to refer to someone who does not identify as bisexual or homosexual but feels or shows some interest in a relationship or sexual activity with someone of the same sex. The term can also apply to a person who generally identifies as homosexual but feels or shows some interest in having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The terms homoflexible and heteroflexible are also applied to bicuriosity.

The term bi-curious implies that the individual has had no sexual experience—or very little—of that sort, but may continue to self-identify as bi-curious if they do not feel they have adequately explored these feelings, or if they do not wish to identify as bisexual.

i'm a cristina

took a personality quiz in ABC..

why you can't give up

a scene from "Grey's Anatomy" (Didn't We Almost Have It All - Season 3 Ender)

MEREDITH: "No matter what, you walking down that aisle today. I need you to go down that aisle."
CRISTINA: "Is the toilet paper cutting off your circulation?"
MEREDITH: "You marrying Burke, it´s a sign. Sign that people like you and me ... can do this. Be healthy, be happy. You marrying Burke restores my faith in... me."

this was the scene that flashed in my memory when you said that you're giving up. i can't let you give up.

through the years that we have known each other my hopes came from you. you are full of that: hope. it's very easy for you to see the silver lining in clouds. and if you give up, all of hope would be lost. at least for me.

we love a lot, cry a lot, laugh a lot, drink a lot.. and we get hurt a lot. but we would still manage to love and laugh.. and hope that someday things would get better, that we have a happier future.

i have a friend who said that everyone deserves to be happy. well, the thing is we are always happy. i've learned that from you. that even if there are things or people that we don't have or don't love us back we still manage to be happy. so, i guess, it's not a question of happiness.

i just don't want you to give up. because you're the strongest person i know. if you can still have hope, if you can still hold on, if you can still smile and wake up the next morning, there's this possibility that i can too. but if you stop. if you no longer can.. i'm sure that no one can. specially me.

i'm always praying for your happiness, because it gives me hope.

i'm sorry if i'm putting much pressure on you. i know it's tiring. and giving up is the best way to go. but i believe in you. i believe that you are strong for this. we are strong.

so, if you would be giving up, let me know what i can do so that you won't give up. so, that you won't stop.

CRISTINA: "Meredith, please say something, say something! I... I don't know. Say what I would say you if you were me."
MEREDITH: "Okay."
CRISTINA: "Good."
MEREDITH: "Got it."
CRISTINA: "Good. Go."
MEREDITH: "Stop whining. This is your wedding day. You will got on that aisle. You will get married! If I have to kick your ass every step of the way to get you there. You will walk down the aisle and you will get married. Do you hear me Cristina? We need this. We need you to get your happy ending."
CRISTINA: "Okay, I´m ready."

We will get to our happy ending, but we won't get there if we would give up. So, don't just don't. Let's stay happy. Let's still have hope. Okay?

singing

during my last day of my leave for 2008, my good friends from the UK account went to Providence, had a couple of beers and of course, sang our heart out. it has been a long time since i held the microphone and sang. We bought Php 400 worth of tokens, and there's the four of us, thus, we had 10 songs each. Here was my line up:

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat the first song i saw, never sang this before in karaoke

Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie the song that reminds me of our Pagupud escapade

Dream of Me - Kirsten Dunst from the movie, "Get Over It". they started saying how sad the song is. this reminds me of Mima. it's one of her favorites

Ikaw - Brenan Espartinez I meant to sing "Ikaw" by Regine Velasquez and/or Sharon Cuneta. and i never heard or know this song, but it was easy to follow. and it has good lyrics.

You're Beautiful - James Blunt the song wherein i scored 99! and this is the song that Dave used to sing for me

A Whole New World - Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle almost all of us sang the song. this is my favorite duet from Disney, and it seems to be the easiest to sing

All I Ask of You - Barbra Streisand wanted to sing something from a musical and this is the next one i saw after the previous song. i just miss the stage so much. and i really like what this song says. but i learned not to ask, it should come out naturally, right?

Burn - Tina Arena one of the Laarni Classics; i missed singing this.

I Know Him So Well - Barbara Dickson and Elaine Paige again, from another musical, "Chess", and another duet, that i managed to sing alone. it reminds me of Liway and the fabulous version of Jinn and Bubu. I miss ba_rockz.

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor one of the KAMPAI songs. there was one instance that kiki told me that this song is for me. :) i did survive and i will survive whatever the future holds.

This I guess was just a preparation, because during the MT2 Team Building and Induction, when everyone was already drunk and sleeping, I had the videoke all to myself and i sang whatever song i wanted until morning came, until i almost have no voice left because the microphone was not cooperating and you would need to sing louder than usual, but it still works for me. and no one managed to beat my score of 92! Teng gave me a name, but i already deleted the message and i have very poor memory.. oh, well!

when will i be able to sing again? when i will be able to be on stage again? i hope it would be sometime soon!

Olivia, The Golden Girl of Jazz

i saw her perform in unang hirit. she sang "winter wonderland".

my mom is a big fan of jazz, and with that i sort of grew up listening to the music. and the way she sang that Christmas song was very good. although, at first i thought there was nothing out of the ordinary, but she was able to exude jazziness.

i would like to have a copy of her album, "Gentle Jazz". I hope it's available in torrent. Hahahaha!

http://jazzuality.com/interview/exclusive-one-on-one-interview-with-the-golden-girl-of-jazz-olivia/#more-49

i'm not dumb, just stupid..

being dumb is knowing nothing; lacking in knowledge..
being stupid is knowing but doing otherwise. the actions will make you think that there's no knowledge there.. it's there alright. it's just opted not to be used.

i'm not dumb.. just stupid!

chapter 5

i tried writing chapter 5 a week or so back. unfortunately for some wretched reason it wasn't publish. it was a very long entry since it has been a long time since chapter four. i would need to do key words again.

OMD Team Building - memory wiped out
Oh! It's a Rhinoceros - back to what i really love
Thanksgiving celebration in Megamall
In th Grove
Twilight
MT2 Induction and Team Building
Shopping!

This would be the last chapter. I plan to write daily.. if not, weekly.

Hard Lessons on Love and Men... from Grey's Anatomy (repost from ate kang)

1. A man won't let go if he really loves you. Do not hold on to someone whohas let go of you. He does not love you and does not value having you.Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is anotherreason he is not willing to tell.

2. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship. There is only onereason why he ended your relationship. He just does not love you. Do notwaste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done. Move onand be open to a man who will truly love you.

3. Do not get hung up on your past. Do not nag or distrust your currentboyfriend just because your ex hurt you. Do not treat him or therelationship the same way. Do not compare. He will not react the same wayas your ex. Do not be worried that your simple mistakes will cause him tolook for another girl. What happened with your ex was not your fault. Itwas not because you didn't guard him enough or you didn't make him happyenough.

4. Do not look into images. How many times have you met a man/girl who didn'thave the best image in school or at the office, but you get to know the man/girl and found out he was actually extremely nice? Do not rely on images.Oftentimes, it is far from reality. Do not fear men just because your"supposedly" perfect ex-boyfriend mistreated you.

5. Always have your own set of rules. Set your limits on how far you'd gofor a guy. It's perfectly ok to give and do everything as long as it'sworth it.. And it's worth it if the guy is treating you right.

6. Do not be scared to lose him. Don't be scared that he'll break up withyou. Once you are afraid of losing him, you easily can be taken advantage.Be strong and if something is unacceptable, do not accept it and speak up.

7. Avoid calling your guy. It's a guy thing. The relationship willdefinitely be better if it's the guy who's calling, not the girl. He willget tired of you if you keep on calling. He will lose interest andchallenge. More so, he will get annoyed. But it's a girl thing also thatyour fingers get too itchy until you dial his number. But avoid as much aspossible. Call only if really needed (like checking if your suspicions arereasonable).

8. There is a guy who will value you. There is a guy out there who can makeyou feel valued, appreciated, and loved. And I mean, not just during yourfirst few weeks together. So don't lose hope. Don't settle for a lesbian ifyou are not attracted to women. There is a man out there who can love youlike a girl can. Also, do not believe him when he says it's just the way hereally is. He's not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during yourfirst few weeks together? Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is notthat into you anymore.

9. Always be the only one, no matter what. Do not ever fall for a guy whohas another girl, be it his wife, girlfriend, or any girl that he says hejust can't get rid of for whatever reason. If you truly believe that heloves you and for some reason, he can't leave or let go of another girl,then you are no different from any ordinary mistress.

10. He must respect you. No matter how long the relationship has been, heshould always show respect towards you.

11. If he fooled you, end it. Philandering once is enough. You can nevertrust nor respect the person again.

12. Never start a relationship the wrong way. Do not steal another girl'sman, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrongreasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex,man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wastingmore years of your life.

13. Do not force yourself into a relationship. Do not get into arelationship just because your friends are getting impatient with yourdating escapades and the one hasn't come yet.. Do not choose who to say yesto based on superficial things like money, looks, cars, etc.. If you areeven thinking of these things, you have not fallen in love yet.

14. Do not settle. If you are not happy anymore with your relationship,break up instantly. He will not stay with you forever no matter how uprighthe might seem to be. Eventually, he will also want love and happiness inhis life.

15. A relationship has to have love. Love is the only thing that will pushyou to give your efforts into making the relationship work. And believe me,keeping a relationship requires genuine efforts of both parties.

16. Don't be afraid to be single. It's fun to be single, try it. You can goout whenever and wherever you want. You are free. You can date whomever youwant and you get to go out for free! Do not get a boyfriend just for thesake of having one. Do not settle.

17. Be a good girl. Be a good girl to attract a good guy. Enter therelationship with sincere intentions. Take the guy and the relationshipseriously with the plan of spending the rest of your life with that person(of course, this is after you had your bit of fun in your younger years) .If you compare your flings from your real relationships, you will know thatthe latter makes you happier and more fulfilled.

18. Love without limits. Whether you loved and gave everything or loved butheld out for some things, if the relationship ends, you still get hurt. Butif you gave your everything, you were happy and you could say that it wasworth it. If you didn't give your all, you get hurt for nothing.

19. You will get over him. Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends andyou are free to love another.

20. Be the one. Act like you are the one. Don't be a nagger. Don't hinderhis gimmicks. Don't give in to him too easily. Make him treat you asimportant. Don't be easy. Don't be like every other girl he had in hislife.

goodbye you love i

lyrics by ivan, as told by kiki

Wish you could be the one
The one who could give me love
The kind of love I really need
Wish you could say to me
That you'll always stay with me
But baby that's not you
I need someone willing to give their heart and soul to me
Promise me forever, baby that's something you can't do
Oh you could say that you'll be all I need
But that would be a lie
I know you'd only hurt me
I know you'd only make me cry
You're not the one I'm needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for me
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
I'll find someone who'll be the one that you could never be
Who'll give me something better
Than the love I'll find with you
Oh you could say that you'll be all I need
But that would be a crime
I know you'd only hurt me
I know you'd only make me cry
You're not the one I'm needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But you'll never be the one I'm needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

How Will I Die?

How will I die? Your Result: You will die in a car accident. Please, continue to buckle up, and try not to speed. More likely than not, it will happen very randomly and quickly. Occasionally, this result stands for death in a plane crash. Do not fear transportation. Avoid becoming a hermit, you cannot escape fate.
You will die in a nuclear holocaust.
You will die while having sex.
You will be murdered.
You will die from a terminal illness.
You will die while saving someone's life.
You will die in your sleep.
You will die of boredom.
How will I die? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I'm finally getting better

"Over You"
Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

chapter four

october ended.. here comes november..

-= mac arthur =-

i'm not sure how fast i was able to finish reading this book. it's bob ong's shot in writing a novel. it's very independent filmish. it would be a good independent film. i hope he would be intrested in writing a screen play for it. i think it would be nice.

it would be a mind boggler to think about why it was entitled "mac arthur". i have this insane idea, but it's really insane. a logical suggestion came from mamma bear. i thought about it too but i think it was too simple.

there was this part of the story wherein cyrus was trying to flush down a packet of drugs in the toilet with shit still in it. he was flushing using a dipper of water, again and again. but the feces would just come back and return.. mac arthur.. "i shall return." bwahahahahahah! me and my shitty ideas.

-= happy-ness =-

neal sy showed me his brand new car. and we went to mc donald's to eat. i bought him a chicken meal and i had french fries. we talked. i missed neal sy. it was nice talking to him. i really like it when we exchange thoughts, how stupid they seem to be.

i'm really grateful to have a friend like him. there's a very few number of people who would appreciate him. i do.

we talked about our lives and it's amazing to see how much he knows me and understands what i'm saying. even if most of the time we talk about him. and i want it that way. i don't really want to talk about me when we are the ones talking. although, he does ask questions and i would need to avoid answering as much as i can. hehehehe!

i'm glad we've become friends. hopefully, until the end.

-= my cristina yang =-

while we were walking in the mall.. she let out this comment about a girl wearing something out of the ordinary.. then i realized, "hey! here's my cristina yang!"

she may not be as serious or as workaholic, but being a heartless bitch, she can manage. heartless but would still care for me. she's not as dumb as most people would think she is.

i'm really scared when it's time for her to leave the office. maybe sometime next year. i'm not sure if i would survive my life in sykes without her. she's the only reason i made it until now. i'm again almost in tears now, but i would have to reserve them until that day.

-= my new my sassy girl =-

i'm not sure if it's because it's that time of the month, or is it because we didn't get enough sleep, or is it because of my current emotional state. but i was crying my heart out and i was trying desperately to stop it. i have been crying for almost an hour. yes, half of the entire movie. my only u.

i'm sure that you would be crying. i'm sure i would be crying again if i see it. or maybe not. but i was not really crying as much as i want to because i know cristina yang would be laughing about it. i want to watch it again but i would want to let the tears fall freely at that time.

-= 4g!v3n3$$ =-

kiki had a blog entry about this. and i totally understand her.

someday i will manage to forgive. but how am i going to forgive if the person is not really sorry. i don't want to keep on hating. at this point i need to get back some things. after that it would be much easier to forgive. even if the sorry wasn't really meant.

i have managed to conjure up a story that would not include it. it's quite fun actually. :)

right now, i have this conclusion that i was not really loved. it's easier to believe than to prove the otherwise. i now know, it wasn't real. and i'm okay. it's a first, but i manage to pull through.

i'm happy right now, with new opportunities ;) and the realization of how capable a person is to lie and hurt someone else. i felt how much my friends love me and i would not want to hurt them again.

i'm still not grateful for the experience. i know i would live and enjoy life without it.

it would be hard for us to be okay again, but it would not be my loss if we won't. maybe it's not its lost as well. so, why do they want us to be okay? we were not friends in the first place, so, nothing's really lost. it was all just a trip and a lie, so, there's nothing to go back to.

i just need my money back. :)

-= december =-

i'm looking forward to something. but i don't really want to keep my hopes up. i'm glad to have another reason to smile and wait for that day to unfold. :) ;) :P

I was believing in you

"Vonda Shepard Baby Don’t You Break My Heart Slow lyrics"

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you say do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

But I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow

I like the way you’d hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you’d say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

Chorus
But I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow

Bridge
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home still thinking that we’re together
I wanted our love to last forever

I was believing in you
I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow

Chorus

20 minutes to write

i finished reading "Stainless Longganisa". and it sort of reignited my zeal for writing and my passion for performing on stage. i would just need to have my life and finances a little organized.

i can't remember when i first had that thing for writing. but, it's very limited. i can but there's a a very slim chance for me to write good in Filipino. i can't write news articles as well. i knew that when i tried for our school organ. stick to English. stick to feature writing and/or editorials.

my mom doesn't want me to become a writer. we watched this movie wherein the main character was a young female writer who became an addict. maybe that's the reason why mom didn't make me take an writing related course.

i have no regrets taking up engineering. i would still want to go back and finish the course. well, if i have the time and money.

i'm sort of getting the hang of my job. i don't go and stay here for 12 hours. well, i really know what i was doing, i'm just a workaholic bitch that's why i stay that long here in the office. but since i sort of learned how to let go. i think i would be able to start and try my chances in theater again. i'm ready for rejections and would be accepting challenges along the way. i would just really want to perform on stage again. i want to be part of a production again. i miss the hammering feeling inside my chest before i start and go on stage.

i know these activities and the things i would want to do would not fill in the void. but it would make me think of that hallow part of me. and eventually, maybe without noticing it, i would be contented.

i have accepted my fate. a long time ago. something happened that made believe otherwise. i'm going back to that place. and i would be happy. right?

just one more minute to go..

i made a wish. and it's not really good. but it would really make me glad.

sms: amnesia

i know if i did this a couple of years back, more people would have replied.. but i guess, this would be enough..

i texted the following message to almost everyone in my phone book:

Kung naaksidente ako at nagkaron ng amnesia.. At ang alam ko lang ay ang aking
buong pangalan.. Ano'ng isasagot mo kapag tinanong kita kung sino ako at sino
ka? O hahayaan mo na lang na nakalimutan ko na kung sino ako sayo at sino
ka sa buhay ko?

Most of them did not answered.. some thought it was a quote.. and some were not informed about my number and asked who i was? bwahahahahah! some answered laughter and some asked to eat.. hahahaha! well, here are the answers i got..

mamma bear: sabihin ko ikaw ay gf ni *** at ako ang nambugaw sa inyo.

i was laughing out loud with a factor of HP-ness.

dee: ikaw si barn, work force ng pb account sa sykes na ex ni *****. ako si dee isa sa mga kaibigan at pinaka-cute sa pb. pag di mo naalala, hahayaan na lang kita na may amnesia.

no comment

oric: ikaw si laarni, ako i rico and we're super close..

*hugs*

mommy joy: sasabihin ko bitch ka pero love pa rin kita kasi friend mo ako. :)

i'm a bitch and i love it! and a good thing that my friends love it too!

cyrus: if ever man na you forget me because of an accident and ask me who i am in your life? I will say... "boo! gulat ka noh!" hahahah! honestly and sincerely, mag papakilala ako a your friend, teatro baby and a little brother that won't ever forget a wonderful ate who guided me nd accompanied me in my life in mapua, in teatro and daily living.. bow.. :)

*speechless with a grin*

vj anievas: ikas i barn, kumakain ng apoy sa paragos ng ilog para mang aliw. ako naman si vj, ang tigatulak ng paragos mo! XD

which resulted to a discusion as to what "paragos" means! bwahahahaha! he said he would bring me back to my filipino teachers and i should have failed. sorry..

barn: ano yung paragos?
vj: yung hinihila ng kalabaw
barn: araro?
vj: ano ka ba? iba yun! paragos, yung nilalagayan ng mga
prutas or bigas..
barn: parang kariton pero hinihila imbes na
tinutulak? or parang caravan pero kalabaw ang humihila?

i'm not sure if i got it right.. hahahaha!

dad kumag: SINO KA? ikaw ang babaeng madumi ang buhok na may mahahabang kuko na may twist pa, may bonus na lupa lupa.. pero mabango ang k3p$. SINO AKO? ako ang nagpaplantsa sa buhok mo at gumugupit sa kuko mo.. pero hindi ako ang umaamoy ng k3p$ mo. iyon ay si *****! kilala mo ba sya?!

bwahahahahhahahahahahah!

stitch: Laarni Lopez .. nag aral ka sa MIT .. member ka ng teatro at magaling kang actor .. nagtatrabaho kas sa call center ngayon ..panganay a magkakapatid ..responsible at mabait kang anak
ano ka sakin? .. kapamilya mo ako sa kampai ..ex-gf kita na minahal ko ng sobra pero di tayo nagtagal dahil sa mga problema ko sa sarili ko .. kaibigan pa rin kita at mahal hanggang ngayon..

awww.. :')

josica (TL): ask kita if pwede magpa-aux ng agent.. hahaha!

and i actually replied, "sure! if there are no queues.. " bwahahahahahhaha! memory back! shit! i'm such workaholic bitch!

nini: hirap barn. siguro i'll let you come live with me for a week.. potah isa lang mga karakas natin kaya makikilala mo kung sino ka at ako. heheheh!

i've been meaning to go to her place someday and meet her baby!

ninang: ikaw si hagrid! naihambing sayo ang pangalan na yan dahil sa gulo ng buhok nya at pagkachorva nya.. yung tanong may parte sa puso ko at naging malaking part ng college life ko, isang taong masayahin at mahina ang puso. isang taong mahal ko. yun lang..

awwww... *hugs*

shua: ako yung kaibigan mo tapat at maganda laging nandito para sayo

was forced to answer.. heheheh!

mnf: pg nagka-amnesia ka, sasabihin ko sa yo na asawa mo dati si **** kaya lang naghiwalay kayo dahil kay ***.. at bf mo ngayon si *** hahahaha
ako ang kapatid mo na autistic dati at sanay ka na pinagsisilbihan ako.. oo nga pala, sasabihin ko rin na gustong gusto ni *** pag ikaw ang nagiging mapusok at ikaw ang nag iinitiate ng love making nyo.

TSK! hmpf!

bwahahahahhahahhahaha!

i want a cristina yang

Pick a word that begins with the first letter of your

first name?
- love
.
Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you

say?
- ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?
.
Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?
- i'm not sure.. not recently tested
.
How many times have you been to the ER?
- thrice yata.. twice, i'm not the patient

Do you have trust issues?
- yeah
.
Do tattoos and piercings excite you?
- it depends on who wears them and where
.
I bet you're missing someone right now?
- the list is not that long
.
Do you hate the last guy you were talking to?
- nope
.
Who was your last text message from?
- ate faith
.
Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
- not all
.
What's the best wedding you've been to?
- sir bobot and mam shirley's

What time did you wake up this morning?
- i don't wake up in the morning
.
If someone liked you right now, would you want them to

tell you?
- yup!
.
Do you get along better with guys or girls?
- okay lang pareho, pero mas ang gays.. heheheh
.
Who is the best person to cheer you up?
- it's very easy to cheer me up.. i'm thinking about

three people right now.

Did you mean it when you said "i love you" last?
- yeah, i always do.
.
When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in

the face?
- bwahahahahahah! before september ended.. medyo may

feeling pa ngayon, pero siguro just for the fun of it.

medyo nakakdiri ng isiping maglalapat ang mga balat

namin! bwahahahahah!

Is it okay if you kiss people when you're single?
- yup
.
What is wrong with you right now?
- hmmmm.. heart.

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
- nope
.
Would you kiss someone to make your bf/gf mad?
- nope
.
Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?
- nope, but there's a possibility with one
.
Do you use t9, word, or abc?
- abc
.
Is there a guy that knows everything or mostly

everything about you?
- before he used to.. i changed.
.
Do you tell your mom everything?
- nope
.
Who was the last person you yelled at?
- i'm not sure.. might be an agent, or while messing up

with charley

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
- marky

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
- none
.
Think of the last person you held hands with, do they

mean something to you?
- yeah
.
Could you cry right now?
- yeah, but i chose not to
.
What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
- working
.
How's your ex doing?
- i don't know
.
Who can you trust?
- i don't know


1.Last person who wrote you a comment?
- noel
2. Last song you listened to?
- truly madly deeply
3. What is people's first impression to you?
- maarte
4. Do you like chocolates?
- yup
5. Most memorable place?
- can't remember.. hahaha!
6. Do you read comics?
- yup
7. What are your favorite ice cream flavors?
- double dutch, cookies and cream and pistacchio
8. Do you miss someone?
- yes.
9. grocery or shopping?
- both
10. Can you dance?
- nope
Do you believe in God?
- yup
Your name spelled backwards..
- nrab
Where were you last night?
- still here
What is the last thing you downloaded?
- i don't remember
Name one beautiful person you've met/seen?
- no one comes in mind
Do u like roller coasters?
- yup
Chattin with...?
- mike and lemon
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
- yup! for both!
Are you shy?
- sometimes.. not so obvious though.. hahahah!
Do you think you're popular?
- nope
Fries or Popcorn?
- fries
Are you a good cook?
- nope.. but i hope i could be
BEST person in the world?
- my will be husband.. hehehehe!
Have you ever tasted durian?
- i don't remember.. hahahah!
What is your favorite pc game?
- twister?
Have you ever baked cakes?
- yup
Last thing you bought?
- food
What's your favorite song right now?
- i'm not a princess
Last song stuck in your head?
- none
Any pets?
- wala po
Color of most clothes you own
- brown?
Last starbucks?
- saturday ng madaling araw.. last week..
Last movie you've watched?
- in dvd.. bwahahahahahahah!
any plans for tomorrow?
- sunday? i'm going to oric's place with the gurls!
This weekend?
- it's the weekend
Are you happy?
- yeah..
Last sms you received?
- si ate faith, nagpapadala ng pera for drinks kasi they're waiting for me at the 6th floor
If someone were to spell your name wrong, how would they

spell it?
~ laarnie
.
Is your phone close to you?
~ near? yes
.
Look at your recent calls, who was your last call from?
~ amiel
.
What's bothering you right now?
~ yung tumitingin sa friendster account ko
.
Bet you're missing someone now?
~ Yup
.
If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it ?
~ have it changed to peso, then, pay bills/debts with it
.
What was the highlight of your week?
~ my new hair!
.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
~ working.. or fooling around at work.. hahahah!
.
Are you listening to music right now?
~ yup
.
Do you get along with girls?
~ yup
.
Do you like surprises?
~ it should not ruin my day or plans though
.
Do you like your name?
~ yup
.
Do you crack your knuckles?
~ yup

What were you doing 20 minutes ago?
~ answering this
.

Bonfire or fireplace?
► bonfire on the sea shore and fireplace inside the house while it's snowing outside.. bwahahhaha!
.
Do you ever write notes on your hand?
► when i was a kid
.
Where did you sleep last night?
~ i'm here at work
.
What was your last text and who was it from?
~ ate faith
.
Whats on your mind right now?
~ the answer to this question
.
What makes you happy?
~ a lot of things.. heheheheh!
.
Have you ever gone Christmas caroling?
~ yup.
.
Who are you thinking of?
~ my friends i went caroling with
.
What are you looking forward to in the next month?
~ his birthday, his freedom? hahahah!
.
When is the last time you talked to your mom?
~ on her birthday
.
Have you ever told anyone you were OK when you really

weren't?
~ all the time
.
Where's the last place you went?
~ outside the norm? home
.
Do you smile often?
~ yup
.
Is there anyone that you wish was out of your life?
~ yup, but actually, she already is so, the answer is none.
.
.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
~ nope
.
Happiest moment of 2008 so far?
~ thinking of it makes me sad
.
Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try

again?
~ i'm not sure.. can't think of anything right now
.
Do you have a best friend?
~ a lot.. but i want a cristina yang

this ain't a fairy tale

I'm Not A Princess

Taylor Swift

So you're sorry
that face of an angel
comes out just when you need it to
and that face back in and forth all this time
because I honestly believed in you
holding on
and days track on
stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known
I am not a princes, this ain't a fairy tale
i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stair well
this ain't hollywood, this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you
and i let me down
now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around


Baby I was naive,
and lost in your eyes
and never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
about you and me
happy endings
now I know
I am not a princes, this ain't a fairy tale
i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stair well
this ain't hollywood, this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you
and i let me down
now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

and you're here at my door
begging for forgiveness
begging for me just like i always wanted
but i'm so sorry

cause i'm not your princess this ain't a fairytale
i'm gonna find someone somewhere who might actually treat me well
this is a big world and that was a small town
there in my rear view disappearing now
and it's too late for you and your white horse
it's too late for you and your white horse
catch me now
try and catch me now
it's too late to catch me now

kulot na si barn!

after about 6 hours in the salon.. after wanting to have curly hair for quite some time now.. here goes..

sighs and hugs: for chito

sorry..
for not being able to greet you on your birthday.. or did i? well, sorry for not remembering if i did greet you or not.. hahahahah!
for all the hurt i've caused you.. i hope i already stopped doing that.

thank you..
for letting me know how it feels to be loved, respected and cherished.. i may not feel them again.

yeah..
.. i still feel all these things when i remember you.. us.. and my head cracks thinking of possibilities and impossibilities.. so, i'd rather not think.

moo bees

thanks to imdb.com for all these info.

-= trainspotting =-

Tagline:
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a starter home. Choose dental insurance, leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose your future. But why would anyone want to do a thing like that?

Never let your friends tie you to the tracks.

Trivia:

• Was ranked number 10 on the British Film Institute's all time best British films.
• Although it looks thoroughly offputting, the faeces in the Worst Toilet in Scotland scene was actually made from chocolate and smelled quite pleasant.
• The whole film was shot in just seven and a half weeks.
• For the close-up shots of Ewan McGregor injecting himself with heroin, a prosthetic arm was constructed by the make-up department, complete with pulsing veins, smack tracks and small pockets of blood that would appear when the skin was punctured by a hypodermic needle.

Quotes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117951/quotes
i love the quotes in this movie, they're just too long to post.

-= knocked up =-

Quotes
Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.

Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.

Ben Stone: [explaining the conception to their newborn baby] and then your Mommy said, "Just do it already!" which was very confusing to Daddy, so I took the most literal translation.
[quietly]
Ben Stone: But between you and me, it was the smartest thing I ever did, 'cause now you're here.

the funny ones are here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0478311/quotes
i think i cried in this movie. well, which one did i not?

-= 1408 =-

Taglines

Based on the terrifying story by Stephen King

---

The Dolphin Hotel invites you to stay in any of its stunning rooms. Except one.

---

No one lasts more than an hour.

---

Enjoy your stay.

---

Don't stay in 1408.

---

The only demons in room 1408 are those within you.

---

The classic thriller we've all been waiting for!

Trivia

There are many references to the number "13" throughout the movie. The room is numbered "1408", add each number together equals 13. The room is on the 14th floor, and the Hotel skips the 13th floor, so the room is technically on the 13th floor. The room's key lock also has "6214" etched into it, which adds up to 13. And the first death was in the year 1912, which adds to 13.

In addition to the previous numbers adding up to 13, the hotel is mentioned to be at 2254 Lexington Street in New York City. 2254 adds up to 13.

-= 10 things i hate about you =-

i know i have seen this movie before, but i have seen it again recently and fell in love with it all over again. i miss heath. (close?)

Taglines

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

---

Romeo, Oh Romeo, Get Out Of My Face.

---

They're spitefully romantic

---

I pine, I perish!

Trivia

The title "10 Things I Hate About You" sounds remotely like "Taming Of The Shrew" (on which this film is based).

Several names reflect the Shakespearean origin of the story. Bianca's and Kat's last name is Stratford (William Shakespeare was born in Stratford-upon-Avon). Patrick's last name is Verona (birthplace of Petruchio, the corresponding character from the play). The high school is called Padua, which is the city in which the play is set.

Julia Stiles originally auditioned for the role of Bianca Stratford.

Michael says, "Sweet love, renew thy force," which is a line from Shakespeare's Sonnet 56.

Cameron says, "I burn, I pine, I perish," a direct quote from Taming of The Shrew.

One of the taglines for this movie is "How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways" which is an obvious play on "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." Although this movie contains multiple references to William Shakespeare and "The Taming of the Shrew", the line "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways" was written not by Shakespeare, but by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. It is the first line of Sonnet 43 from Barrett Browning's "Sonnets from the Portuguese"

The marching band in the sequence where Heath Ledger sings to Julia Stiles had actually never marched before. They had to be taught for the purposes of the movie.

The original script was much darker to the one in the final film. In the original, Mandella (Kat's best friend) referred openly and frequently to several suicide attempts, which were for her to join with William Shakespeare.

Kat Straford is excited she got into Sarah Lawrence College. In reality, Larisa Oleynik who played Bianca Stratford really went to Sarah Lawrence College.

The song lyric "cruel to be kind" is a reference to a line from the play Hamlet; another of William Shakespeare's works.

The original song scripted for Patrick to sing to Kat to gain her forgiveness was "I Think I Love You" by 'the Partridge Family'.

Quotes

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

this is my ever favorite, as well as everyone, i think. you can find more here. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0147800/quotes

Soundtrack

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0147800/soundtrack
i like the song being played during the paint ball scene. i'm not sure which one is it.

-= hitch =-

The cure for the common man.

Trivias

The mobile phone that Hitch uses to talk to Sara when Albert is getting his back waxed is a Sony Ericsson P900.

Will Smith suggested Kevin James for the role of Albert, being a fan of James' hit series "The King of Queens" (1998).

Jennifer Lopez turned down the role of Sara Melas.

The movie that Sara is watching in her apartment is Jerry Maguire (1996).

The original title of the script was "The Last First Kiss".

Kevin James made up all of the dance moves for the scene where Albert is dancing in Hitch's apartment.

Allegra Coleman was a fictitious actress created by Esquire magazine in their Nov '96 issue, designed to spoof other magazine's fawning obsession with new stars. The article written about her new "It Girl" status prompted calls from studios and talent scouts eager to offer her scripts. Ali Larter provided the face and body shots for the faux starlet.

Quotes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0386588/quotes - again, there are a lot.

i'm surprised to have liked this movie. i actually did not want to watch this during the time it was showing here because i'm not really a will smith fan. and again, i needed to stop myself from crying because boris was teasing me.

chapter three

it has been a very long time since my last entry.. i have been working a lot.. hahahah! i'm really back to being the workaholic bitch that i am. good thing or bad thing? i'm not really sure..

i'm on leave for two days.. thus, the free time to actually create an entry. can't make a specific one so here goes..

-= new earings =-

when mnf and i went to the mall two weeks ago, while he was trying on some pants, i noticed in the mirror while i was combing my hair that one of my earrings was missing. it was a pair of pearl earrings liway gave me when she went to boracay this year. the right one was missing. and i can't stay without earrings, right now. so, after mnf's shopping spree we searched for a new pair of earing for me. and this would be my gift for myself for this cut off.

we went to a lot of shops, and nothing seem to fit my taste. well, there was this one pair that i sort of liked. it's a silver drop pair. i didn't buy it right away and went to search for something different.

as usual, we went inside celine to check what shoes are on sale. i forgot that they also sell accessories and there i saw it. the pair i would like to have. it's really the same as the one in the picture but it's black. it's like ebony. but it's not cheap. we went to search for something else, but i can't take my mind of it. i was thinking of how i would look like wearing them and knowing that it's not light, i needed to think a lot. but we went to search for other earrings but to no avail. so, i mustered up enough courage to go and buy that.

i love it. it was painful during the first few days but then i got used to it. and i'm wearing it almost everyday. i don't have a picture wearing it but soon enough i sure will and i'll post it here or upload it.

-= sms =-

alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao kapag nagtalikuran sila? kailangan mo pa libutin ang buong mundo para makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo. - bob ong

.. pero kung gusto ka rin nya makaharap, half-way across the world lang ang kailangan mong libutin. pero hindi rin saktong half, pwedeng mas malayo or mas malapit.. depende sa kung gaano nyo gustong magkaharap uli..

-= my prince charming =-

i saw one of my high school best friends viewed my friendster account. i had this urge and missed her as well, so i went and checked her account. then i learned that she's pregnant right now! i'm so excited for her!

then, i realized that i don't have her number. i lost a lot of numbers since i lost my phone. so, i asked for her number from one of our high school best friends. in case she doesn't have beng's number i also asked for nini's. then she started sending the business cards. i was surprised to see that there was a third bussiness card sent.. and the info surprised me more. it was my prince charming. then, dada said, "i know you want it." bwahahahahahah!

so, i sent him a message. it was nice being able to have communication with him again. it has been years. well, one year and 8 months, not that i'm counting.

it has always been it's either him or me who's in a relationship during these times of communication. so, i expected that he's involved with someone right now. then, stupid me, asked for a sign. if it's for more than a year, i'll back off. so, i asked.. and it has been less than a year! bwahahahahaha!

but i'm not really in the mood of pursuing right now. although, it has given me a lot of HP nights and moments. it still can make me smile. and it's okay.

i always came clean with him. i have been honest ever since. so, i told him about my previous relationship. and i may be paranoid, but i think, i shouldn't have. i think it gave a wrong image.

i wanted to blame bliss, but it's not entirely her fault. it was my decision as well. i don't hate my prince charming for it. he is entitled to his own opinions. but like what i have realized, the back of my mind kept saying that, "i never asked for it to happen. i didn't want it. i did not even wish for it." well, it did happen and i won't be able to erase that. i just realized that in all of my past relationships, aside from the last one, i sort of wished for them to happen. i hoped and i prayed, and i guess, until forever, i'm glad they all came to pass. but not the last one. it was a new set up. so, i guess, i tried it. signs of regrets? maybe. i can live.

his birthday is coming up next week, i hope i would be able to remember to greet him.

-= my knight in shining armor =-

my friends are enjoying when i'm in the state of HP-ness. i'm not really sure why, but they are. is it because of the smile that i can't get rid off even if my cheek bones hurt? or is it because i'm not the usual bitch they have learned to love?

so, one of these very few good friends of mine sort of introduced me to this guy. sort of introduced because it was not in person. i think i already saw him. mnf pointed him out when he went to our floor. i was looking at him with this stupid look on my face when he looked at my direction. so, i hope he doesn't remember that. but i don't think i would really remember how he looks like in case we bump into each other.

so, there, we haven't met in person yet. but we have been talking in IM and sometimes texting.

since i'm in the state of being easily HP, there are a lot of times that my cheek bones hurt.

i'm half looking forward to actually meeting him in person, but there's this half that wants to keep it this way. i'm not sure why. am i afraid? or am i just contented?

well, the future will unfold on its own, so let it be. and i'll be just giddy and excited about it. :P

i want to make you smile.. but i don't know how to..
all i know is why.. because even if you don't really mean to, you make me smile..
thanks! hope to make it up to you someday!

-= define =-

i'm still not finished reading bag of bones, but i'm determined to finish it before my "vacation" ends. i came across these words and googled them.

evoe - no results came out. i sure wish to find what it means!

chortle

chuckle: laugh quietly or with restraint

a soft partly suppressed laugh
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Laughter is an audible expression or appearance of merriment or amusement or an inward feeling of joy and pleasure (laughing on the inside). It may ensue (as a physiological reaction) from jokes, tickling and other stimuli. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chortle

A joyful, somewhat muffled laugh, rather like a snorting chuckle; To laugh with a chortle or chortles
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/chortle

espionage

The practice of obtaining secrets (spying) from rivals or enemies for military, political, or economic advantage using illegal or unethical methods.
www.mangrum-pi.com/glossaryOfTerms.php

A government’s use of spies to uncover the secrets of other nations.
postalheritage.org.uk/learning/teachers/freeresources/lastpost/glossary/

is the use of illegal means (spying) to collect Information, more particularly secret or unpublished information. ...
www.quantum3.co.za/CI%20Glossary.htm

as much as i want to start reading mama bear's gifts, i'm determined to finish this one.

-= my hair update =-

i'm determined to have my hair done today. after this, i would be going to the salon and have my hair done! i saw rhian ramos' hair in lalola and that's what i want. it's the same with the picture i showed before but i wanted to see a local do it so it would be easy for the hair dresser to copy. i'm excited! i will sure be uploading pictures with the new hair and the earrings! love it!

sms: replies

i'm not really a fan of forwarded messages. but, what can i do, almost everyone does that. and most of the time, specially if i'm in my thinking mode, i reply to these sms quotes.

"alam mo ba kung gano kalayo pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran
sila? kelangan mo pa libutin buong mundo para makaharap ulit ang taong
tinalikuran mo." - bob ong

.. but if the other person would want to face you again, you would just need travel half-way. that is if you would have the same amount of zeal to face each other again. the questions would be, how far are you willing to travel? and how far do you need to go?

mahirap sabihin ang
"i hate you"

pati din ang
"i'm sorry"

lalo naman ang
"i love you"

pero pinakamahirap sabihin ang
"iskibiratsibop iskiribapbap bloopikiribitkiribit"

kaw nga??

all of those things are easy to say.. well, aside from the last one. it's just hard to keep these words. and there are people who finds these words or statements so easy to say, that they tend to let them out of their mouth even if they don't really mean them. grrrrr!

marunong din naman ako magmahal ah.. magtiis sa mga bagay kahit
masakit. mag sorry kahit di ko naman kasalanan. magmaka-awa para di
iwanan.

pero bakit sa kabila ng lahat, ito pa rin ako..

patuloy na nasasaktan.

then i replied, which lead to a good conclusion.

barn: kasi yung mahal mo di marunong nun. or masakit man tanggapin, you don't bring those things out of him.
ang di ko alam ay kung paano mo matitigil ang sakit.
sabi nila, choice raw natin yun. kasi kung hindi, eh di tinigilan na natin.

shua: ganon talaga. di natin mababago ang tao sa pamamagitan ng gusto natin.

barn: so, ano ang dapat gawin?

shua: wala. kundi magmahal at tanggapin ang sakit. kasi ang pagmamahal, walang hihihinging kapalit. hindi porket nagbigay ka, susuklian ka. kaya nasa atin yun kung patuloy tayong magmamahal at masasaktan o ititigil natin at susuko..

barn: selfish ba kung ayaw mo nang masaktan?

shua: hindi naman. ibig sabihin, may respect ka sa sarili mo.

barn: *hugs* miss you, shua!

shua: bakit? miss you too..

barn: wala lang.. may naudlot lang kasi akong pag mo-move on.

chapter two

yehey! blogger is no longer blocked here in the office. i can go and blog away without using proxies!

-= gay pride=-

there are a lot of reasons why i surround myself with gay men. i even fell in love with one.

• they love to sing
• they can always make you smile
• they have strong perception of things that can also make you think
• most are creative and/or artistic
• their crazy antics are really crazy
• they seem to understand me and really care
• they have a strong good-looking-male radar, which gives me a chance to check out the field

i'm not really sure how this all happened, but i seem to have a lot of gay friends. and i'm really proud and cherish them. well, most i met in theater and the rest of my followed. i miss them a lot.. well, those i don't get to hang out with anymore.

-= sex and the city=-

my housemate has been watching the series every night even if he has watched it a number of times already. i get to taste it a little and found myself thinking about it at times. well, i've only seen the last few episodes of the series. it's like five to eight maybe. and he said, i can watch the movie now. they didn't recommend that i watch it since i have very little idea about what happened in the series.

i have learned a few things, laughed a little, and almost cried (almost because i stopped myself from doing so). i don't want to watch other episodes, but maybe i will if i get bored and have nothing to do.

and i found the perfect description of what i want..

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming,
can't-live-without-each-other love.

sms

here's my favorite text message while waiting for the salary to reflect in our bank accounts:

" Bugtong bugtong..

ayan na

ayan na

di mo pa nakikita..

Sagot?

SAHOD!

Hehehe"

we'll i've been meaning to write those messages that i have received that reflects what and how i feel right now. but that would be too glum. i'm deleting them right now. but here's a few that i really like.

" Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they MISS you.

Someone who knows that you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are.

Someone whose biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely.

Someone who says i love you and means it.

Last but not the least..

Find someone you wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles, and your gray hair but still falls in love with you all over again.."

"Never be assured that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you..

because when pain strikes the heart..

love fades no matter how great it was."

And there was this line in Star Cinema's Dubai, i watched it again with baboon since i stayed at their place during the whole weekend. Forgive me if i got this wrong, most probably I did.

"Alam kong dapat magpatawad. Alam kong dapat mag move on. Pero masakit pa. Kaya in time. In time."

end of bliss

sometimes you think a story is over.. or maybe i just pretend that it ended. with whole honesty i have been thinking that it's not yet finished, but i'm making everyone around me believe that it is.

-= just once =-

stupidity, this is full of stupid shit:

should i give it a try? won't it be just like before? would there still be a point to make? haven't we tried already the first time?

i told myself to stop saying that i haven't tried everything.

won't i just get hurt? again?

i need consistency in what you're saying with your actions and in what you want me to feel with what you are actually doing. i need you to be sensitive with my emotions. i need you to accept me as me. i need you to make me feel that i don't need all these because that's already how you are. all because you love me, for real.

-= bitterness =-

and all that was bull shit. apparently what was said and sort of promised has turned into ashes.

the funny thing is it didn't have the decency to let me know. how the hell should i know that the words it said no longer stand?

and yes, i will get hurt. but i'm already hurting, long before, so, what difference should it make if it told me what's really happening?

the difference, it would give the will the move on.

so, why hold back? because it is selfish.

i have asked from time and again to tell me, whether it's true or not, that it's the end, but it just won't. now, that it's true, it still won't.

maybe i have learned my lesson. even though i wanted to so much, i didn't fall for the trap that i already saw.

i admit, i'm mad at it for not being honest. this should have been over a long time ago. by now, i should have been okay. and i really think that it's bull shit to hold back the truth just because you don't want that person to get hurt.

the funny thing is, it thinks that i have this "curse", that whoever harms me in any way or did something bad to me will have something bad coming. it happened to master yoga. it happened to grumpy. and it said it's happening to it. and that it deserves to die.

i don't wish people death. that's the easy way out. i sometimes wish it for myself.

i still want it to be happy, with its choices and decisions, with its life. but i wish it to have a long life. preferrably longer than mine.

i no longer want it to come back. i want it to realize its loss. i don't want it to go back because it may change after the realization and i may believe that it did change and i may be stupid enough to take it back.

nah! it's no longer coming back.. now, i wonder.. was it even here? yes. call me stupid, but i believe yes, it was here. it just left, sooner than i realized. or maybe i realized that it was gone, i just wasn't ready to accept it.

now, the story is complete. the book is closed. i'm no longer sure though if there's still paper and ink left for a new one.

chapter one

again, i have been meaning to write, but work and my emotions stood in the way.. so here. i had this mental rule that i had to post just one per day.. or at the most three. but there are a lot of thoughts going on in my mind lately and i wanted to put them all in writing. so, this entry (and the succeeding ones) will be segmented to my thoughts. hahaha!

-= the dreaded day =-

and it once again came to pass.. and i can't seem to remember anything significant. oh! i went home.. at long last. and of course i received a lot of text messages greeting or wishing me a happy birthday. i didn't count this year. one of my crushes greeted me, or at least extended his greeting through someone else, and he did not respond when i said, "thanks po!"

at home, i have found a lot of changes. my brothers are fatter than i last saw them. my sister was kind of the same. i hate to admit it but she seemed a little taller. we had carbonara, there was ice cream and cake. but i found out one bad thing that makes me sad until this moment. my laptop is not working! it doesn't power on. it just blinks when you recharge the battery, but not its usual blink. i don't remember it blinking when i recharge it before. my brother used the battery of his laptop with mine and said the same thing still happened so, it seemed that it's not the battery. was it because i haven't been using it for a very very long time? it's just about 10 months since i got it. haaay.. so, there's like less reason for me to go back home any time soon.

it seemed that i have celebrated before the actual date. specially the days when i still have money to spend to celebrate. like my day out with mnf. it was a blast and i really enjoyed that day. a lot. how i wish it was my birthday back then, but it's not.

-= wall-e =-

haaay.. another movie that made me cry. i watched this with mnf and we both cried. hahahah! and i can't seem to get over it until this moment. and maybe i won't for a long time. maybe even after i see another movie that would again make me cry. maybe if and when my IM name changes it would mean i am sort of or kind of over it.

i can't tell more about my favorite parts without being in tears again. haaay..

-= my hair =-

okay, i haven't done anything about my hair yet, but i sure plan to. and i saw the perfect hair-do that i would really want. i was again with mnf and we saw the 2008 emmy awards and saw brooke shields' do and i love it. i just hope the hair dressers would be able to get it.

-= delete =-

i guess, i just can't do it easily. i can't just stop. i need to stop myself. by sort of removing her from my life. yes, it's supposed to be easy since she's so far away and it's not as if she's making a way to be part of my life again, but somehow, someway, she still manages to come across my mind and bother me. mnf said this is normal. and i'm still not that much of a loser. it's okay, it's normal. eventually, all would be well. yes, maybe it would take a year, like stitch did. well, it took stitch more than a year and we were together again. it's just that king kong happened and the bitches, that's why it was sort of easy. well, now, i don't have anyone, for real, but i do have mnf and the gang and of course my job.

maybe what's really bothering me is the fact that there were words said, words that are almost promises. words that at this point are just the right things to say but as i realize now, are just shallow and nothing.

i really have to let go. i don't need to hurt anyone in the process because i'd take the punch. no more false hopes, no more what if's, no more "have i done everything?" because i know i did and i'd just get hurt if i'd go on trying.

i'm sorry for making a viscious cycle, but you didn't give me a reason to stop. and maybe you did, but then you didn't give me the chance to stop it.

maybe i wouldn't be really able to answer whenever they ask why. maybe i would just let them think what they want to think about. i guess, i would no longer care if they would blame you or me. i don't want to say, "it just didn't work out," because you never worked for it, i did.

bitterness? now, the meaning seems blurred to me. maybe. but also, maybe i'm entitled to it.

i'm known for being pessimistic and i don't need more facts to feed my pessimism. i'm back to building walls, crying underneath the laughter, and somehow wishing and hoping that someday i'll be numb from all these.

crazy wakka said, everyone desserves to be happy. and maybe i do. mnf wants me to be happy. all i need is to love and be loved.

-= gifts =-

i'm really grateful that there are still people who remembered my birthday. even if i wanted to forget it myself. thank you to those who gave me gifts. i was like a kid when i received them. i'm excited to finish the book i'm currently reading so i can start reading the bob ong books from mama bear. i was so proud to receive a tumbler from the captain. and i was really giddy and all. even if i won't be able to put coffee, or anything hot in it, it's okay. at least, i was able to put the one i was using in the locker for good. so, i'm really grateful. thanks!

-= cam =-

they're all just jokes. people to make me smile and make my heart skip a beat.

C. is for computer jester. bwahahahahahahahah! well, it was actually a long time ago. something i didn't really pursue because of bliss and some other turn offs and i was sort of afraid. but now, since bliss is gone, actually, so is he, a few "hehehe" and "adik" moments from him doesn't hurt.

A. is for experiment 280 cross with experiment 576. bwahahahahaha! mnf used to like him but he has this flaw. which still holds me back. i found one reason to believe mnf, and i'm looking for two more. i need something that he would show me, personally. not something i would analyze and think of. like the first reason he gave me. but i seem to have countless reasons to prove otherwise. i don't want another stitch. because stitch is stitch. and i would want him to accept who he really is.

M. is for oogway. :) he was the first breath of fresh air. and it may seem that nothing really followed, everyday seemed to be easier. i know there's nothing more to this. for all of them actually. but sometimes it doesn't hurt to smile.

there's really nothing much i can do here. maybe because i'm a girl. the answer maybe none of the above, but now, they help me get through the day.

-= good bye, king kong =-

he's leaving. i don't want to ask why. i don't want to ask where he's going. it's his last week. i guess i would forget. he said that i did. actually his words were, "ikaw lang naman ang nakalimot satin eh." i needed to. because of bliss. and even if that's over, i don't want to go back. i never get to write the letter i meant to write for him, even if just for here. i guess that's alright. i would just want him to be happy and be faithful and contented. maybe he is now. and i'm really happy for him. thank you for all the memories. they may be forgotten, but they were surely cherished. even for just a time.

-= on my own =-

song of my life

And now I'm all alone again,

No where to turn, no one to go to

Without a hope, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to

but now the night is near,

and I can make believe he's here.



Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside my head.



On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me



In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me for ever and forever



And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us



I love him

But when the night is over

He is gone, the river's just a river

Without him the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers



I love him

But every day I'm learning

All my life I've only been pretending

Without me his world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known!



I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own.

deadlines

i'm not sure when i've started living with deadlines. maybe it's something i picked up in school, in doing projects and all that $h!+..

then, i started working and deadlines meant money.

but then i realized, (well, actually someone pointed it out and told me that it's a good thing) that i have been using deadlines in my personal and everyday life..

deadline in waking up.. in finishing a book.. in talking to someone.. in sending a text message.. in moving on..

now, i'm giving "us" until my birthday (in manila time).. then, it's again another deadline.

my birthday wish list

here's the top 10 things i want for my birthday (in no particular order)

1. cute bag for my laptop - or just a cute jacket for it, then i can put it inside my big bag.. hehehehe! - Dimensions of my laptop: HxWxD (32mm/1.26"x 337/13.27"x 238mm/9.37")

2. digital camera - i don't know what specs i would like. i like ate faith's camera. it's a cannon, i think. i want lcd at the back. and other features. hehehehe! i also like the camera we saw during the eraserheads' reunion concert, all his shots were the best. i wasn't able to see what brand of camera he was using though.

3. confirmation - i know this would be too soon. and would be so close to impossible to. but then, i want to be confirmed as early as now, because it's my birthday, but it can go as late as november. hehehe!

4. books - well, i don't have a list right now. but i sure want books to read. good novels. bob ong books would be good. i've read a lot but i don't own any.

5. new bag - i've worn out the bag dandy gave me. i want something small that the guard would allow me to bring inside the office. but still would fit my things, well, it's just my wallet and cell phone, a rarely used comb, perfume that will be used more often by the 23rd and my cell phone charger. and trash.. bwahahahah!

6. starbucks tumbler - i received 2 starbuck tumblers during my birthday back in 2004, i think. from my officemates in artistic expressions. i kept both because i was using one at home and the other one in the office. i lost one here in sykes and managed to break the other one. i'm currently using my ex's and i want to return it back or at least put it in storage together with the other things she owns that are still with me. i don't need a very big one, a very small one would be of no use because i would need to go back and forth to the pantry to get coffee. of course, i want a cute design!

7. tickets - to movies, concerts and plays. hopefulle they're scheduled on a weekend so i would not need to file for a leave or even if it's on a weekday it should be during the broad daylight. sleep doesn't matter for me anyway. i want to see a lot of movies and concerts and plays. trying to add more art in my life. bwahahaha! i missed cinderella and a lot of movies and i want to watch more concerts, but maybe less than movies and plays.

8. dvds of complete tv series - the list would be endless, but i would love to have the complete season copies of the following series: ally mc beal, grey's anatomy, ouran high school host club (subtitled, of course), fruits basket (hopefully, dubbed in english, but englist subtitles would do), detective conan (again, subtitled), and whatever tv series that friends of mine would think i would enjoy.

9. movie dvds - your pick if it would be original or just pirated, but hopefully it's a clear great copy with special features. i love special features. hahahaha! the list for this would be much longer and i don't want to write samples. because i can't pick what i would want best. maybe julia robets', natalie portman's, johnny depp's and jude law's movies and great animations.

10. original music cds - the latest by parokya ni edgar matira matibay and solid, or their Christmas album, Jingle All the Way, the sound track of Rent, the sound track of 50 first dates, made of honor, runaway bride, and other romantic comedy flicks. Obviously, I love sound tracks and pne. And any other artist you might think would be good for me to listen to and hear.

... hmmm.. this list lacks something.. or someone.. but i know he won't be here on that day, even if just a greeting from him would do. haaay... *smitten*