analyze this..

nothing much to do.. i don't want to sleep although i know i would be needing this for later..

i just had a look at the things i won't be able to get.. i had them maybe once but i wasn't aware i have them.. waah! i can't keep my line of thought straight.. wait.

ehem..

for first crush..


i hate you! for making me fall all over again and there.. leaving me hanging.. i sometimes wish i never saw you again. hoping i never had to feel it all over again. i was fine, i was okay. don't worry, i'm not miserable as you hoped me to be. i'm ok. i was okay even if i didn't know that you had a crush on me as well. waah! i hate you!

I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick-- it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh -- even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - - not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.


for the supposedly perfect guy for me..


i know it takes two to tango. i know it's not entirely your fault. i know i have a big part played in messing things up. maybe this is the way of torturing myself. or for me to learn my lesson. but no.. it's just that i can bring what was there before. no doubt what we had was sincere. i didn't cheat in whatever way. you didn't either. but i'm sorry.. i'm so sorry. you probably know how much misery i'm in right now and that with you i'll be spared from all these, but it would be unfair, it would be cheating on you and on myself. i can't even bring myself into saying "maybe someday" because no. i don't think there even will be someday.. i'm sorry. sorry for what we had and what we could've had or still have. being sorry is all i can be.

for the guy i loved.. and maybe still do..

there are many things that can make me hate you but i'm not sure why i can't bring myself to hate you that much to forget or erase my feelings and/or affection for you. there are a lot of things i don't know about you. i'm not sure if i just don't ask or if you just won't tell me. i'm here for you, that's all. i know at what point when things start to go wrong. it was so hard for me. i was so hurt but loving you didn't stop there. i'm sorry for all the wrong things i may have done that just brought you to the stand that getting back together will never happen again. i want to let go. i want to move on. maybe i have because now i can say that indeed getting back together will never happen. a glint of hope maybe i have but i'm almost sure that it will never happen. but i can't stop caring for you because you have been indeed so special. i want to thank you for the memories but please stop holding me back. you will always be special, in my heart.. always.

Until you release me I'm bound
Under ball and chain
Reminiscing our love as I watch
Four seasons' change

This loneliness
Has crushed my heart
Please let me love again

for my crush..

hi! thanks for diverting my heart from all the things i've been trying to avoid all these time.. i know there's no promise, there's even no hope, but thanks for making me smile.. making my heart stop for a while.. thanks for all the small things that i think doesn't really matter.. i still don't know what i want, i just want to enjoy the present feeling you bring me but something more? i don't know. i'm afraid to get to know you, i'm afraid to get close.. at the same time wishing this would happen, but then again maybe no. so there, thanks!

for the only one left..

where are you? my phone number with you is no longer existing. i know you greeted me for my birthday. you changed your phone number as well and i don't know what it is anymore. i miss you.. you're my only hope. haaay.. where are you?