wanted: best friend

i can't remember having best friend during the early years of my childhood. well, maybe i did, but if i look at it now. not that i was already considering one at that time.

so, i guess the first one was during our 5th grade. then, she got too serious with her studies during the 6th grade. then, she moved to a different high school.

then, i have another best friend. we don't call each other best friends because she has another, and i have another. but when it really comes down to it, we are the best friends. sophomore year of high school came and there are other things i like that she doesn't really enjoy.

had a whole bunch of good people to hang out with, laugh with.. but no best friend was emerging. until we discovered the same passion for books and hanging out. until now, we still consider ourselves to be best friends. but it's really hard to be best friends if you live in different countries now. plus, she's already married. i wasn't even there when they exchanged vows.

then, there was this girl who really hated me because she thought that i was an enemy, a rival in all that she has. i did make her run for her money, but i have not intentions of doing so. then, we became best friends too. among my high school friends she has the most number of letters given to me!

oooh! i had a best friend before the fifth grade! she was just younger than me. but we were so young then, that we don't really have much problems to share. we don't get to hang out a lot because people our age at that time don't do that. what we do is we exchange letters. everyday. with nothing much on it. then we moved, and they moved. i haven't seen her again, but we have connections now. we somehow found our way to each other. but there are a lot of years in between and it doesn't come back that easy. so, friends.. yeah. a little, i guess. i hope.

back to one of my high school best friends. well, we sort of made it until after high school but then she got pregnant and was ashamed of it, so she vanished. sort of. and it's like she hates us all now. i don't really get it. but there.

then freshman of college. had a best friend, too. but i don't remember calling her my best friend and vice versa. maybe it was just a given. but there were differences that we can't seem to settle. it was like we discovered we shouldn't have been best friends in the first place. cruel, but somehow true. we'd still look at our days together with a smile. no hard feelings. ugly but what the heck.

then, i had my second boy friend. and yes, he was my best friend. through and through. but the relationship has to end. even if i still wanted us to be best friends, he can't have it that way. so, i have to let go.

kampai. ba_rockz. kiki. time also passed and we all went our separate ways. college ended. they will always have a very special portion in my heart. they are the best friends that i had or still have that will know no time or space. they have seen my worst and all. so, i know i have a family to go home to. it's just sad that we don't see each other that much anymore. maybe after her board exams.

then, my batchmates at work. one got sick, the other one, was not really one, just insisted to be.

the skinny bitch came to my life. i'm not sure if she's on her way out. i hope not. but things are complicated now. well, a little. i miss our simple lives. just the two of us.

you ask how about? sprinkles.

she's not ready to be my best friend yet. she still has one. and there's this thought that she will fail at that department. maybe one day.

but for now, i'm alone.

grey's anatomy: my new ally mcbeal

MEREDITH: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

- romantic, but i don't want to say this.. even if I think I already did.. in a way or another

GEORGE: "I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just evens the score."

- yeah..

MEREDITH: "I guess we're adults. The question is, when did that happen, and how do we make it stop?"

- I'm wondering the same thing..

ALEX: [to teenage patient who asks him to kiss her]: "Hey, listen. For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something... to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere... a kiss so hot and so deep that you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. You don't want to. Trust me. When you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."

- suweeet..

DEREK: [pauses] "I'm not saying this to hurt you, or because I want to leave you, because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

- contradicting.. ironic.. but something i understand.

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Nobody likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the free fall. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you."

- i miss my friends.. the ones that i'm sure will catch me.. or at least try.

DEREK: "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know."

- just when i thought it was fresh air.. i got suffocated.

MEREDITH: "You really should take something."
CRISTINA: "Drugs are for babies."
IZZIE: "I hate Alex."
CRISITNA: "And the non sequitur award goes to..."
IZZIE: "I’m sorry, but I just hate Alex."
MEREDITH: "I broke up with Derek."
CRISTINA: "Burke wants to have a relationship."
IZZIE: "Boys are stupid."

- i miss my girl friends.. ba_rockz

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

- oh, pain..

DENNY: "Hey."
IZZIE: "Hey."
DENNY: "Do you believe in karma?"
IZZIE: "Actually, I do."
DENNY: "I think you might be mine."
IZZIE: "Well then you must have been very very good to deserve me."

- so, you tell me now if i have been good or have i been bad.. most will say the latter.

DENNY: "Hey. Don’t you have somewhere to be?"
IZZIE: "Yeah. Yeah I do. I’m there."
DENNY: [smiles] "Good."

- so, where am i exactly?

PRESTON: [enters his apartment] "I am Preston Burke. I am a widely renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon. I am a professional and moreover I am a good, kind person. I am a person that cleans up after himself. I am a great cook. And you? You are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you... are the most competitive, guarded, stubborn... the most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. Why the hell won't you just let me?
CRISTINA: "I gave up my apartment 20 minutes ago."
PRESTON: [pauses] "Well, alright then."

- sooo suuweeet!

MARK: "But what if you're wrong? Just this once, what if life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses?"

- hahahaha! hurgh!

MEREDITH: [narrating] "I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope."

- haaaaay..

GEORGE: "Why is he suturing his own face?"
CRISTINA: "To turn me on..."
ALEX: "Because he's Mark Sloan. The guy is like the go-to plastic surgeon on the east coast."
GEORGE: "That’s the guy Addison was sleeping with."
IZZIE: "Can you really blame her?"
CRISTINA: "No, not really."
GEORGE: "Yes, you can."
MEREDITH: "Well McSexy wants an X-ray to check for fractures and I think it’s a bad idea if I go with him."
GEORGE: "Why?"
ALEX: "I'm on it."
GEORGE: "Why is that a bad idea?"
CRISTINA: "McSexy?"
MEREDITH: "That's not right."
IZZIE: "McYummy?"
CRISTINA: "Mmm... no."
MEREDITH: "McSteamy."
CRISTINA: "There it is!"
IZZIE: "Yup."
GEORGE: "Allow me to choke back some McVomit."

- bwahahahahaha!

somewhere along in the bitterness

How To Save A Life

The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

deleted messages

expect the worst but don't expect..

it's better to be lonely alone, than lonely with someone..

love is wasted on me..

what am i so afraid of?

you can't buy love, but i know you can rent it..

do you lack something your partner could not live without?

why do we keep on pushing the self-distruct button?

you really are after love..

keep your guard up..

nobody said it would be easy. in fact, they said it would be so hard.

no matter how hard you try to understand, with or without explanation, there are things you are not meant to get.

how do you let someone know that you are in desperate need of a hug when all that's coming out of your mouth is, "don't touch me!"

is there really a check list you should go through before showing your affection?

why can't i let you know i'm in pain?

what am i supposed to do when you're hurting?

why are there words i can't say and things i can't explain?

i don't think you can accept the real me. it's not that what you know is fake. it's just that that's who i am with everyone. it's like you don't know the deeper me. and i think, you can't take it.

i don't know the definition of mad, angry, irritated, furious and hate; much more their differences.

there's really nothing i can do about it. can we just let it go?