end of bliss

sometimes you think a story is over.. or maybe i just pretend that it ended. with whole honesty i have been thinking that it's not yet finished, but i'm making everyone around me believe that it is.

-= just once =-

stupidity, this is full of stupid shit:

should i give it a try? won't it be just like before? would there still be a point to make? haven't we tried already the first time?

i told myself to stop saying that i haven't tried everything.

won't i just get hurt? again?

i need consistency in what you're saying with your actions and in what you want me to feel with what you are actually doing. i need you to be sensitive with my emotions. i need you to accept me as me. i need you to make me feel that i don't need all these because that's already how you are. all because you love me, for real.

-= bitterness =-

and all that was bull shit. apparently what was said and sort of promised has turned into ashes.

the funny thing is it didn't have the decency to let me know. how the hell should i know that the words it said no longer stand?

and yes, i will get hurt. but i'm already hurting, long before, so, what difference should it make if it told me what's really happening?

the difference, it would give the will the move on.

so, why hold back? because it is selfish.

i have asked from time and again to tell me, whether it's true or not, that it's the end, but it just won't. now, that it's true, it still won't.

maybe i have learned my lesson. even though i wanted to so much, i didn't fall for the trap that i already saw.

i admit, i'm mad at it for not being honest. this should have been over a long time ago. by now, i should have been okay. and i really think that it's bull shit to hold back the truth just because you don't want that person to get hurt.

the funny thing is, it thinks that i have this "curse", that whoever harms me in any way or did something bad to me will have something bad coming. it happened to master yoga. it happened to grumpy. and it said it's happening to it. and that it deserves to die.

i don't wish people death. that's the easy way out. i sometimes wish it for myself.

i still want it to be happy, with its choices and decisions, with its life. but i wish it to have a long life. preferrably longer than mine.

i no longer want it to come back. i want it to realize its loss. i don't want it to go back because it may change after the realization and i may believe that it did change and i may be stupid enough to take it back.

nah! it's no longer coming back.. now, i wonder.. was it even here? yes. call me stupid, but i believe yes, it was here. it just left, sooner than i realized. or maybe i realized that it was gone, i just wasn't ready to accept it.

now, the story is complete. the book is closed. i'm no longer sure though if there's still paper and ink left for a new one.

chapter one

again, i have been meaning to write, but work and my emotions stood in the way.. so here. i had this mental rule that i had to post just one per day.. or at the most three. but there are a lot of thoughts going on in my mind lately and i wanted to put them all in writing. so, this entry (and the succeeding ones) will be segmented to my thoughts. hahaha!

-= the dreaded day =-

and it once again came to pass.. and i can't seem to remember anything significant. oh! i went home.. at long last. and of course i received a lot of text messages greeting or wishing me a happy birthday. i didn't count this year. one of my crushes greeted me, or at least extended his greeting through someone else, and he did not respond when i said, "thanks po!"

at home, i have found a lot of changes. my brothers are fatter than i last saw them. my sister was kind of the same. i hate to admit it but she seemed a little taller. we had carbonara, there was ice cream and cake. but i found out one bad thing that makes me sad until this moment. my laptop is not working! it doesn't power on. it just blinks when you recharge the battery, but not its usual blink. i don't remember it blinking when i recharge it before. my brother used the battery of his laptop with mine and said the same thing still happened so, it seemed that it's not the battery. was it because i haven't been using it for a very very long time? it's just about 10 months since i got it. haaay.. so, there's like less reason for me to go back home any time soon.

it seemed that i have celebrated before the actual date. specially the days when i still have money to spend to celebrate. like my day out with mnf. it was a blast and i really enjoyed that day. a lot. how i wish it was my birthday back then, but it's not.

-= wall-e =-

haaay.. another movie that made me cry. i watched this with mnf and we both cried. hahahah! and i can't seem to get over it until this moment. and maybe i won't for a long time. maybe even after i see another movie that would again make me cry. maybe if and when my IM name changes it would mean i am sort of or kind of over it.

i can't tell more about my favorite parts without being in tears again. haaay..

-= my hair =-

okay, i haven't done anything about my hair yet, but i sure plan to. and i saw the perfect hair-do that i would really want. i was again with mnf and we saw the 2008 emmy awards and saw brooke shields' do and i love it. i just hope the hair dressers would be able to get it.

-= delete =-

i guess, i just can't do it easily. i can't just stop. i need to stop myself. by sort of removing her from my life. yes, it's supposed to be easy since she's so far away and it's not as if she's making a way to be part of my life again, but somehow, someway, she still manages to come across my mind and bother me. mnf said this is normal. and i'm still not that much of a loser. it's okay, it's normal. eventually, all would be well. yes, maybe it would take a year, like stitch did. well, it took stitch more than a year and we were together again. it's just that king kong happened and the bitches, that's why it was sort of easy. well, now, i don't have anyone, for real, but i do have mnf and the gang and of course my job.

maybe what's really bothering me is the fact that there were words said, words that are almost promises. words that at this point are just the right things to say but as i realize now, are just shallow and nothing.

i really have to let go. i don't need to hurt anyone in the process because i'd take the punch. no more false hopes, no more what if's, no more "have i done everything?" because i know i did and i'd just get hurt if i'd go on trying.

i'm sorry for making a viscious cycle, but you didn't give me a reason to stop. and maybe you did, but then you didn't give me the chance to stop it.

maybe i wouldn't be really able to answer whenever they ask why. maybe i would just let them think what they want to think about. i guess, i would no longer care if they would blame you or me. i don't want to say, "it just didn't work out," because you never worked for it, i did.

bitterness? now, the meaning seems blurred to me. maybe. but also, maybe i'm entitled to it.

i'm known for being pessimistic and i don't need more facts to feed my pessimism. i'm back to building walls, crying underneath the laughter, and somehow wishing and hoping that someday i'll be numb from all these.

crazy wakka said, everyone desserves to be happy. and maybe i do. mnf wants me to be happy. all i need is to love and be loved.

-= gifts =-

i'm really grateful that there are still people who remembered my birthday. even if i wanted to forget it myself. thank you to those who gave me gifts. i was like a kid when i received them. i'm excited to finish the book i'm currently reading so i can start reading the bob ong books from mama bear. i was so proud to receive a tumbler from the captain. and i was really giddy and all. even if i won't be able to put coffee, or anything hot in it, it's okay. at least, i was able to put the one i was using in the locker for good. so, i'm really grateful. thanks!

-= cam =-

they're all just jokes. people to make me smile and make my heart skip a beat.

C. is for computer jester. bwahahahahahahahah! well, it was actually a long time ago. something i didn't really pursue because of bliss and some other turn offs and i was sort of afraid. but now, since bliss is gone, actually, so is he, a few "hehehe" and "adik" moments from him doesn't hurt.

A. is for experiment 280 cross with experiment 576. bwahahahahaha! mnf used to like him but he has this flaw. which still holds me back. i found one reason to believe mnf, and i'm looking for two more. i need something that he would show me, personally. not something i would analyze and think of. like the first reason he gave me. but i seem to have countless reasons to prove otherwise. i don't want another stitch. because stitch is stitch. and i would want him to accept who he really is.

M. is for oogway. :) he was the first breath of fresh air. and it may seem that nothing really followed, everyday seemed to be easier. i know there's nothing more to this. for all of them actually. but sometimes it doesn't hurt to smile.

there's really nothing much i can do here. maybe because i'm a girl. the answer maybe none of the above, but now, they help me get through the day.

-= good bye, king kong =-

he's leaving. i don't want to ask why. i don't want to ask where he's going. it's his last week. i guess i would forget. he said that i did. actually his words were, "ikaw lang naman ang nakalimot satin eh." i needed to. because of bliss. and even if that's over, i don't want to go back. i never get to write the letter i meant to write for him, even if just for here. i guess that's alright. i would just want him to be happy and be faithful and contented. maybe he is now. and i'm really happy for him. thank you for all the memories. they may be forgotten, but they were surely cherished. even for just a time.

-= on my own =-

song of my life

And now I'm all alone again,

No where to turn, no one to go to

Without a hope, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to

but now the night is near,

and I can make believe he's here.



Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside my head.



On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me



In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me for ever and forever



And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us



I love him

But when the night is over

He is gone, the river's just a river

Without him the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers



I love him

But every day I'm learning

All my life I've only been pretending

Without me his world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known!



I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own.

deadlines

i'm not sure when i've started living with deadlines. maybe it's something i picked up in school, in doing projects and all that $h!+..

then, i started working and deadlines meant money.

but then i realized, (well, actually someone pointed it out and told me that it's a good thing) that i have been using deadlines in my personal and everyday life..

deadline in waking up.. in finishing a book.. in talking to someone.. in sending a text message.. in moving on..

now, i'm giving "us" until my birthday (in manila time).. then, it's again another deadline.

my birthday wish list

here's the top 10 things i want for my birthday (in no particular order)

1. cute bag for my laptop - or just a cute jacket for it, then i can put it inside my big bag.. hehehehe! - Dimensions of my laptop: HxWxD (32mm/1.26"x 337/13.27"x 238mm/9.37")

2. digital camera - i don't know what specs i would like. i like ate faith's camera. it's a cannon, i think. i want lcd at the back. and other features. hehehehe! i also like the camera we saw during the eraserheads' reunion concert, all his shots were the best. i wasn't able to see what brand of camera he was using though.

3. confirmation - i know this would be too soon. and would be so close to impossible to. but then, i want to be confirmed as early as now, because it's my birthday, but it can go as late as november. hehehe!

4. books - well, i don't have a list right now. but i sure want books to read. good novels. bob ong books would be good. i've read a lot but i don't own any.

5. new bag - i've worn out the bag dandy gave me. i want something small that the guard would allow me to bring inside the office. but still would fit my things, well, it's just my wallet and cell phone, a rarely used comb, perfume that will be used more often by the 23rd and my cell phone charger. and trash.. bwahahahah!

6. starbucks tumbler - i received 2 starbuck tumblers during my birthday back in 2004, i think. from my officemates in artistic expressions. i kept both because i was using one at home and the other one in the office. i lost one here in sykes and managed to break the other one. i'm currently using my ex's and i want to return it back or at least put it in storage together with the other things she owns that are still with me. i don't need a very big one, a very small one would be of no use because i would need to go back and forth to the pantry to get coffee. of course, i want a cute design!

7. tickets - to movies, concerts and plays. hopefulle they're scheduled on a weekend so i would not need to file for a leave or even if it's on a weekday it should be during the broad daylight. sleep doesn't matter for me anyway. i want to see a lot of movies and concerts and plays. trying to add more art in my life. bwahahaha! i missed cinderella and a lot of movies and i want to watch more concerts, but maybe less than movies and plays.

8. dvds of complete tv series - the list would be endless, but i would love to have the complete season copies of the following series: ally mc beal, grey's anatomy, ouran high school host club (subtitled, of course), fruits basket (hopefully, dubbed in english, but englist subtitles would do), detective conan (again, subtitled), and whatever tv series that friends of mine would think i would enjoy.

9. movie dvds - your pick if it would be original or just pirated, but hopefully it's a clear great copy with special features. i love special features. hahahaha! the list for this would be much longer and i don't want to write samples. because i can't pick what i would want best. maybe julia robets', natalie portman's, johnny depp's and jude law's movies and great animations.

10. original music cds - the latest by parokya ni edgar matira matibay and solid, or their Christmas album, Jingle All the Way, the sound track of Rent, the sound track of 50 first dates, made of honor, runaway bride, and other romantic comedy flicks. Obviously, I love sound tracks and pne. And any other artist you might think would be good for me to listen to and hear.

... hmmm.. this list lacks something.. or someone.. but i know he won't be here on that day, even if just a greeting from him would do. haaay... *smitten*

prologue

this is to be discussed on a longer amount of time on hand. this is to be discussed with a much saner mind. but reading my old posts, back when i was all alone, or so i thought, i need to right about this.. my current state.

how am i doing? really..

i'm alone again. lonely, yes. but that's fine right? because i'm alone.

i still can smile. i can't laugh, for real, but i can smile. that's enough.

i know that there's an offer to be no longer alone, but is that the door to leave sadness as well.. maybe not.

i want my thoughts to be sorted out. i want to be able to decide and stand by them. my head aches, and i blame the physical aspects. but my chest aches too. i remember to have felt emotional pain that is so great that it's almost physical. now, i can't tell the difference.

all i need is to be loved. i have felt it. and i also felt it drift away.

i know i am the problem. or am i really? i just haven't found that one who would love me for me, inspite of me..

maybe bliss now realizes this. or maybe not. i guess, there's no telling what. until i take the plunge.

am i ready to fall flat on my face again? or should i just let it pass by?

procrastinating

i had a really bad day at the office today..

hate rain..

and i'm still not going home.. but i'm not doing any work..

just waiting for flor.

i don't know what to do when i get home. i need to do the laundry.. then, what.. i know i won't get a good sleep anyway. i might just read, or go back here.. then, sleep?

sh!+

i'm back to being the grumpy old me. someone who can't express herself but has all the emotions to back it up. tsk!