it's time for my american idol post, but i decided to skip this week. there are things in life that are more exciting than a singing contest. unfortunately, i get to experience it..

i'm not really sure why i used the word "exciting" but that's what i have been hearing lately.

i felt sadness, but i know i'd live. not because of the current turn of events. maybe, even if it did not happen, i'd still be sad. and all for the good reasons. or at least, the reasons i wanted to have.

i didn't really hold on to her promise. for my almost 25 years of existence that promises grounded in feelings are tend to be broken. it's not that i expected that this would happen. she already exceeded my expectation in the first place. it's more of, i understood why it came to this. it's sad.. a little hurting.. but again, i'd live.

it's actually amazing that i myself was able to wait. not for this, but for the dealine i have set. thanks to all the people who have managed to cause me pain through the years. and i guess, at last i can say that i did learn a lesson.

unfortunately, there's another lesson i haven't learned. or i just can't listen to. i've been here, more than once. and whatever road i take, it would just lead to the same devastation. i don't want to think that this is something different. i have learned to expect the worst, but don't expect. i have learned to take things as simple as they are and to no longer add to the complications they already present.

i would not let go... as much as i can. i will let things flow, but i would not necessarily go with it. so, we'll see where this will take me. i bet nowhere.

MARK: "But what if you're wrong? Just this once, what if life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses?"