loathe

this is starting to be a hate blog.

well, if things won't turn out right in the near future i think most of the entries here will be about hate.

my head is already aching.. a lot! and not because of whatever reason, it's just that my eyebrows are so crunched up together and i'm so not in the mood of releasing them and making them at ease.

waaah!!!

grrr!!

a pit in the stomach

i would prefer butterfies anyday...

maybe i'm just hungry. or i could be just being dellusional again. but what the heck i know for a fact that when it comes to tummy hurts with me, it always has to do with something psychological. sick huh?!? but not exactly...

well, it keeps me aware that i'm still alive and still can feel pain..

now i'm wondering.. and it's starting to making me think.. thus, putting some effort in my brain muscles. sooner or letter it will be my brain who will go blank..

i would have to face the monster under my bed.

getting pissed off

okay, so i just started and here i am blabbing about getting pissed off..

i guess, that's already in my nature and no, there's nothing i can do about it. it's just that i have a knack for letting shit happen in my life. i know some would think i'm being too hard on myself or i'm not giving enough credit to fate, but it's true. it's like every step of the way i'm bound to fuck up in one way or another.

i love my job. i do. and i know i can be good at this. it's just that i'm stil new and i don't really know how to perfectly go about it. i would need constant guidance and insight. i'm running out of ideas and i really feel awkward in doing some things.. grrr.. i just want to blurt it out.

i know this would look like another blog filled with hate and sarcasm and something that would remind you how cruel the world. but it's the truth. i'm not sure when i've learned this sad truth about my life being jinxed, maybe second grade? hah!

i'm getting sick to my stomach. i'm starting to get light headed.. it seems i need oxygen but breathing in won't do it. i'm not sure if i'm holding my breath or subconsciously i'm depriving myself from breathing.. i thinkg i'm going to pass out. or at least i want to. but i don't want to escape like that. i want to get through this, with flying colors or not. i just want to get through this..

divine intervention? mere luck? what? there must be something i need to ease this tight feeling in my chest.. or do i just have to loosen my bra strap? hah! bitter sweet laughter..

am i going insane? well, when have i stopped. i just hate this feeling and i want to breathe.

help!

addressed to no one in particular.. again, reminding me that these are the moments in life when one needs someone or anyone and here i am all alone, barely standing.

i just want that Gmail account.. maybe that would make me smile.

just a start...

i have been blogging for quite some time now and i was wondering what's the point of having more than one.. but then again, exploring web features is kinda my thing so i don't think it would bother me that much to update my blogs.

well, it's not that there's so much happening in my life but then again i'm too good in making things complicated. and besides, i don't intend to send this page to everyone because of my stalker in denial "freind". hehehehe

well, so much for a first entry, i'll go and explore this site first and find out how cool this really is.. ü

so unlike me

best friend.. i just can't define one. maybe because i have this idealistic picture of a best friend that everybody else would just come short. but i do believe at different points in my life i had one.. different ones. but then i would go and ask, best friends are supposed to be there always right? well, how would i know.. my definition doesn't have it but then again.. aarrgh!

as of the present i do have people who know me. i'm no longer the "who are you?" kind of friend. although testimonials from these people sometimes contradict, i wonder why, but they pretty much get the picture..

so, i was caught aback when one of these very few kindred spirits told me that, "it's so unlike you..."

then i stopped. took about two steps back.. and then shoot! yes.. it's sooo unlike me. i don't know what happened but there i can see it and totally point it out...

good thing or bad thing? i don't know.. we'll see.

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the second coming of age

what is it like to undergo quarter life crisis? it's just that i seem to put myself in an imaginary crisis everyday that i'm really not sure whether i'm having the quarter-life one.. heheheh!

hah! this one is neat!

unknown, i tip some gin for you...

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

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as days go by

coming to understand something clearly and distinctly;

making real or giving the appearance of reality

things you can't avoid...
i'm still amazed how much i can hold back. i have never been this way before. i always give in. but now, i'm actually putting up with the fight. i don't expect to win but i never expected that i could stay in the game.

one day maybe, when i fall to my knees and ask to stop this nonesense game of minds, maybe i will look at my scars and be proud..

odd

beyond or deviating from the usual or expected

i'm unusually getting a hug.. hmm.. thanks anyway, whoever you are... i need them.

if there are things you're taking for granted, be sure you'll be able to live without them. because once these things are gone you could just go on with your life just never the same.

excess baggage personified

Teenage Dirtbag
Wheatus

Her name is noel
I have a dream about her
She rings my bell
I got gym class in half an hour
And oh how she rocks
In keds and tube socks
But she doesn’t know who I am
And she doesn’t give a damn about me

Cuz I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Yeah I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Listen to iron maiden baby with me ooh

Her boyfriend’s a dick
He brings a gun to school
He’d simply kick my ass if he knew the truth
He lives on my block
And he drives an irok
And he doesn’t know who I am
And he doesn’t give a damn about me

Cuz I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Yeah I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Listen to iron maiden baby with me ooh
Ooh yeah dirtbag
No she doesn’t know what she’s missin’

Man I feel like mold
It’s prom night and I am lonely lo and behold
She’s walkin’ over to me this must be fake
My lip starts to shake

How does she know who I am
Why does she give a damn about me
I’ve got two tickets to iron maiden baby
Come with me friday don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you ooh
Ooh yeah dirtbag
No she doesn’t know what she’s missin’

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time stands still

due to the limitted internet access here in the office i have been stumped, thus the long wait to produce yet another cogitation..

i can't put up another time machine because much has already happened or in the contrary nothing much happened that i can't seem to write anything with significance.

i have come to a conclusion that there are things in my life that i longed to loose and now that i lost it it just feels all too shallow and pointless. i have been exhausted and i just can't help but getting halucinations. the line between reality and fantasy is drawing thinner and thinner every minute. Everytime i breathe the more i can feel that i'm suffocating.

It's a surprise why i haven't shattered in to peices. In cases like this before i would have shattered after a few seconds of hearing the chimes. Now, the chimes has already been music and yet here i am standing whole. Then i would go ask? What if this time it was meant to be broken and here i am wrapping every inch with bubble wrap.. waah! i hate asking myself what if.. because in the end it would be me who would go insane.

impatience is my virtue.. hehehehe! and now i'm standing here with time. i'm pushing it away but is so stubborn and wants to stay here with me and have a chat.. grrrr!!!

i know how sweet and kind i can be.. i also know how bitchy and rude i can get. going to my wrong side is a bad choice. i can make someone's life miserable just by smiling.. i've done it before and hell i can do it now, even better.. so, don't push me because i won't hesitate.

i've heard a new version of Torn a while ago.. and i didn't like it.

plan of action? i just hate it when i'm stuck and i can't move because i'm waiting for time to precede me.

i plan to quit smoking on my 20th birthday.. hmmm.. heheheh.. quarterlife crisis.. it's still too soon to tell..

can the world wait for me? i just need two more weeks... please?

the music has faded and this was supposed to be a musical. i'm immune. it's not safe to say i've won because again time will be the judge.

last year i looked forward to september and all hopes failed. now, what would be my finish line? or should i ask when?


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master of the game..

just came from the war.. i have bumps and bruises, but nothing serious, just a broken arm.
i would never thought i would make it alive. but here i am breathing. my defense mechanism worked. and i'm wondering why i'm not feeling well.. i know it would be tragic if i died and too impossible that i won't get hurt so, i guess, this is pretty normal.

back to square one. again.

i can say i have mastered the game.. but i didn't know it feels this way. i have chosen this path and this feeling is better than before.. i would have never survived without this.

i'm not sure if i'm still waiting for something to turn out soon. but i've already closed the books, ended the chapters. starting a new one? not yet sure with that. i know i was six months overdue.. and it didn't last long. but i guess this time it will.

square one feels like home, when everybody else treats it like shit.

i'm fine again.. just needed time to be alone and writing.. posting crappy stuff and so..

haay.. deep breaths at last..

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memory card entry..

Denise: Just so you know, judging from my little experience, I kind of believe in fate. It just works in really fucked up ways sometimes.

Angel: There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there its up to you to make it happen.

quotes from the movie, "Can't Hardly Wait".

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maybe

Maybe
Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack


If we both decide to try
And make it one more time
I hope we take the time
To know each other well

And if the answers don't come quick
We'll go with how it feels
And sometimes that's not yes or no

(But/Just) Maybe
There'll be no falling stars this time around
I still believe that...
Honesty is all we'll ever need
You and me again
Maybe

You keep asking me if I
Will love you for all time
If two of us will be enough to make us strong

And if we learn to keep it free
And let each other grow
We'll find out there's no yes or no

(But/Just) Maybe
No candles or guitars this time around
I still believe that...
Honesty is all we'll ever need
Can we make it through
Maybe

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yeah, right...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


Once you have loved,
you will always love...
For what's in your mind may escape
but what's in your heart will remain forever...





The worst way to miss someone
is to be sitting right beside them
knowing you can't have them.....
hope you would understand...


Find time to realize
that there is one person
who means so much to you,
for you might wake up one morning
losing that person
whom you thought meant nothing to you...

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in your dreams!

26 Things That A
Perfect Guy Would Do

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.

6. Play with your hair.

7. His hands always find yours.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.

11. Never run out of love.

12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.

13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.

14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.

15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.

16. Smile a lot.

17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.

18. Appreciate you.

19. Help others out.

20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.

21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others company, even when his friends are watching.

22. Sing, even if he can't.

23. Have a creative sense of humor.

24. Stare at you.

25. Call for no reason.

26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just because he loves u that much to quit it.

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¤ § here we go..

this is getting freaky.. getting scary.. i'm once again in a very vulnerable spot. a very awkward place. somewhere i always hated to be in.

it's just that i hate being in the positong that makes me feel i'm in control when i'm really not. a place where i'm most likely to expect since that's the only thing you can do. and the waiting sucks. i'm not very good in waiting and there are just things that can't help but go into my mind..

expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect! expect the worst but don't expect!

waaaah!!

paranoia

Definitions of Paranoia on the Web:

When a person feels distrustful of others. He may believe someone is out to get him or hurt him in some way.
www.in.gov/fssa/shape/glossary.html

A belief that the actions of others is demeaning or threatening. Feelings of being exploited or harmed by others. Questioning loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates.
www.gainsctr.com/curriculum/juvenile/glossary.htm

Irrational distrust of others, delusions of persecution, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
www.analyticaltrilogy.org/pages/glossary.html

rare psychiatric syndrome marked by the gradual development of a highly elaborate and complex delusional system
specialed.peoriaud.k12.az.us/disgloss.htm

A psychosis characterized by a system of delusions with often include the belief of persecution or grandeur without hallucinations.
depression.about.com/library/glossary/blglossaryindexp.htm

these are the things that i've been waiting to happen, but now that it's already standing in front of me i just can't muster up enough courage to grab a hold of it because i know, sooner or later it will just fade in front of my eyes.. what i'm actually really thinking about is that it would fade out anyway.. in a couple of days.. i know it will.. one day.. the day that i will be crushed.. if i will go and grab it.. but if i won't take this, i know i'll regret it. so, can i get hold of this one and still keep a pessimistic point of view.. waaah!!

waaaah!!!

grrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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i really hate you!!

waaah! i hate you..

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick --
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you --
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

i hate you!! waaah!

quoted from the movie, 10 Things I Hate About You

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a knight's tale

It is strange to think i have not seen you in a month.
i've seen your beauty but i have not seen you.
i have seen sunsets and sunrises but nothing quite like your beauty.
The pieces of my broken heart are so small they can be passed through the eye of a needle.
I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.
Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.
I next compete in the city of Paris. I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there.
Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day, and especailly the night.
The hope that after you are gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.
With all the love that I possess, I remain yours.
The Knight of your heart

i really think this movie is so cool. i'm not sure, but this might be the first heath ledger movie i've seen. i really find this letter so sweet and so sincere, well, for those who contributed to the lines... haaay...


from the movie, "A Knight's Tale"


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